WAGONWHEEL WEDNESDAYS: MAINE

Now here's a state I need to return to. I believe the only time I've been to Maine was when I went to visit my sister at her Jappy all-girls camp. That would mean that Maine may be the only state that I've been to WITHOUT my car. We had a rental car, but that didn't count because I was too young to drive it. So Maine is it....Wait wait, let me think about this... Oh I've never had my car in Florida, but I rented a car that I drove in Florida, so that's a bit better. I think that's it.

There's very little that I can say about Maine, because I visited there before I started caring much about states. I want to return to see Acadia National Park. The pictures and word-of-mouth are fantastic. But enough of that. This isn't Wishful Wednesdays.

I actually spent nearly all my time in Maine at all-girls camps. First I visited my sister's camp. Then the next day I visited my friends' all-girl camp. Who knows which camp was better or which camp had the cooler girls. At the time, I was 13 probably, so anything having to do with my sister was clearly inferior. Plus, I wanted to hook up with my friends (twin sisters... you know how that is). Of course, being the nerdy scrawny boy I was, I didn't hook up with them or anyone at that camp.

In retrospect, I'm sure the two camps were virtually identical. They both sang horrible songs. Oh man, the car rides I had to endure where my sister would sing camp songs for three hours, gesticulating wildly with her hands (they call it something...some official camp lingo... "leading" maybe?). MEMO TO CAMP DIRECTORS NATIONWIDE: Classic Beatles songs should never be replaced with words about trees, canoes or wooden bunks.

We stayed at a B&B, which usually isn't my style (I'd rather have my own bathroom at a Motel 6 than share a bathroom with eight people in a creepy house full of "gorgeous" antiques). But I will admit that the place had a great restaurant where I had these delicious pop-overs with strawberry butter. Oooh one of those sounds great right about now. You know what else is great about Maine? Lobster. My sister's camp had a lobster night every year. They fished lobster out of the lake and ate them. That's how my sister found out she was allergic to lobster. Poor girl. The McDonalds in Maine even have lobster. Or so they say. It's probably just Big Mac meat painted pink.

I'm now realizing that I have no idea where to mark on my map of Maine. I'll need to research this camp. I know we flew into Portland (funny how two states' biggest cities have the same name, right?) and then drove... Let me look up the camp... Oh no, I found their website. You can hear the singing for yourself!!

So based on my research, this is where I THINK I've been in Maine

TOPICAL TUESDAYS: NO POLITICS TODAY

I will not talk about Sarah Palin and my rabid dog attitude towards that spawn of Robert DeNiro in ANGEL HEART. I will get too upset.

This morning I saw something on the little screen in my elevator that I wanted to discuss. I now forget what I saw. So let me find another news item. I can't think of much. Kim Jong is on his death bed. What else? Larry King loves sex with 25 year old non-white women. What else?

Let's turn to Google News.

What's the latest news on Mr. Potato Head? It appears as if Marbles Children's Museum in Raleigh will begin an exhibit in 2009 entitled "The World Adventures of Mr. Potato Head." That sounds pretty great. I'd love to travel the world with Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head. They could easily adapt to every culture's norms, and they don't need a suitcase. That will be especially helpful on smaller flights where there are very strict weight-per-passenger limits.

What about Gumby? What's new with him? Apparently not much. Pokey on the other hand... no nothing new there either.

Moving along, let's check in on our old friend Neil Armstrong. The last I see on Neil is a mention of his 2005 autobiography and his desire to return to space even though NASA won't let him. Fuckers show no appreciation right? What's NASA stand for exactly? Neil Armstrong Sucks Ass? Must be.

Finally, how about an update on the country of East Timor. SHIT! The East Timor government is blaming the Australian government for introducing the toxic "cane toad," which is now described as East Timor's "worst pest." Apparently diggers in Australia released the toads, the toads hitched a ride on a military vehicle headed for East Timor and then had a ton of children once they arrived. This is clearly bad news bears. Let us at least appreciate East Timor's lovely flag.

MUSIC MONDAYS: OASIS SUCKS

I'm currently re-listening to all of Oasis' albums. Growing up, "Definitely Maybe" was always my favorite. Upon second review, I have to begrudgingly admit that "What's the Story Morning Glory" is better. I guess you can say Morning Glory is Obama and Definitely Maybe is Hillary Clinton. Clinton came first but Obama had more mass appeal. He's a brilliant pop song of a politician... Also, the difference between the two album/politicians are small in comparison to the Republican albums (or if you stick with this thesis, the later Oasis albums). "Be Here Now" is very different than its predecessors. Simply put, it's terrible. I remember when that came out, I had stopped caring at all about Oasis. I was always more of a Blur person anyway. Well actually I liked Oasis until I heard Blur. Then I stopped liking Oasis. Now I can see the benefits of both bands.

If anything "Be Here Now" has gotten worse with age. It's so awful. The production is complete adult contemporary, MOR shit. The songs suck. There is no grit at all. The ballads on this album are perhaps the reason James Blunt exists. So "Be Here Now" is McCain. Post "Be Here Now" is probably worse, but I haven't listened yet. Like Oasis, if we allow McCain to exist in office, his even shittier spawn (ahem, Sarah Palin) will keep wasting everyone's time forever and ever and ever. Just so people know, my girlfriend J. Murse has every single Oasis album. That means a full decade of sticking with them after they ceased to be good. Jeeze. If anything, I guess that means I can start being a shitty boyfriend and she'll stick around. Like really shitty. If you equate "Be Here Now" to boyfriend behavior that would be like cheating every day of the week. Yes "Be Here Now" is that bad. HA oh HA. Don't worry, I'm not even capable of being anything less than the Milky Way galaxy's BEST BOYFRIEND.

Now onto another topic. The new TV on The Radio Album is great. Actually I haven't listened to it all but I like what I've heard so far. Despite what Mr. James Cobo says, I don't think the band peaked with their first EP. While "Young Liars" may be pound for pound the best, they've certainly grown and expanded as a band, though the first album is a bit of a step backwards from "Young Liars" (I still think "Desperate Youth" is a solid album for the record). See if Mr. Cobo would take up my offer to start a Siskel & Ebert YouTube show reviewing albums, you could see us debate this idea of "peaking immediately" idea. Otherwise, you'll have to just imagine the entertaining back-and-forth between two extremely opinionated music addicts.

FRIENDLY FRIDAYS: AN ADORABLE YOUTUBE SENSATION

So this is a bit mainstream for a Friendly Friday, considering it's been viewed 3 million+ times but my coworker insisted that I post it. After grinning and bearing through a Barbara Walters intro (which does bring up a good point involving buying lion cubs at department stores), I let the video sink in. By the time it ended, my melted emotions controlled my hands and forced me to post this.



While I do think this will send a bad message to kids (uh... anyone see Grizzly Man? Your animal friends WILL turn on you!), the story is touching, adorable, and mostly certainly the friendliest thing I've seen all week.

In other huggamo news, Wall-E is coming out on Blu-Ray November 18th! Two Disc edition, including a digital download. Now I can have that little goofum with me at all times.

Ah, on the lion, I stand corrected. This has been viewed more like 16,000,000 times. Oh well, it's still great.

THOUGHTFUL THURSDAYS: ELECTION CONTEST!

Obama's ads aren't good enough. If they can get Ken Burns and Spielberg to make videos for the convention, can't they get a 30 second spot? What are they afraid of? Republican filmmakers fighting back? I thought Spike won the war-of-words over Clint (we'll see if he can back it up with Miracle at St. Anna, which comes out the same day as McCain/Obama debate number 1), so let's roll!

If the Obama campaign doesn't want to get too negative, that's fine, I'll do its job... Or should I say, WE'LL do its job. Today marks the beginning of a contest! All filmmakers or aspiring filmmakers out there, it is your challenge to create a 30 second Pro-Obama ad, tackling one of the following softball topics:

1. McCain as the Original Maverick. If you're referring to yourself as "original," it means you have self-doubts. Look at The Original Ray's Pizza in NYC or the Original Pat's King of Steaks in Atlantic City. Neither are the first! The original Maverick is James Garner. So here's the task: Question this "original maverick" myth. You can call upon James Garner or the starting lineup of the first Dallas Mavericks team in 1980. Or you can also do a compare and contrast with how McCain's 2008 views are much further right than his 2000 views. Would an original maverick who hates George Bush hug him so convincingly? Don't think so. Feel free to mention how Sarah Palin wasn't a MAVERICK move but a PANDERING move to the RIGHT.

2. POW. Get some psychologists to offer their views about how 5+ years of torture can affect someone's decision making abilities, especially in situations that involve war and torture. Actually you can approach this one any way you want. It just must involve being a POW and how it scars you! Feel free to mention that surviving the POW thing would make you great at giving inspirational talks to schools. I'm not trying to make a negative out of his bravery.

3. Play up McCain's Daddy Yankee endorsement. Mix Gasolina with McCain.

4. Somehow tie the fact that he left his crippled ex-wife to how he'll treat Sarah Palin's baby Trig and then use both to question his capacity.

If you have any other ideas for ads, that's fine, provided you e-mail me the idea and I sign off.

I'm expecting zero submissions, so even one will make my century.

WAGONWHEEL WEDNESDAYS: LOUISIANA

Damn, today's Wagonwheel could be a Topical, what with Gustav and all. Good thing we don't have another Katrina on our hands. Louisiana is so tied in my mind to that disaster that I have a hard time thinking about the state independent of that. But let me try.

I've been in humid climates before. From growing up in Philly to spending a couple July's and Augusts in Florida and North Carolina, I know what it's like to walk through a gigantic steam room. A schvitz as my ancestors would say. But damn, oh damn, when I got out of my car, my glasses immediately fogged up! I wiped them clean and they fogged right up again! For real, I used to think it was nuts how Britney's excuse for wearing slutty clothing was the heat in Louisiana. But she has a point!! If I grew up in Louisiana, I'd dress like a ho too. (For the record, I'm really tired of typing Louisiana fully. One, because it's an annoying to spell. Two, it has a lot of letters. Going forward I will say LA. Please realize I'm referring to Louisiana, NOT Los Angeles. Cool?)

I haven't done much in LA except visit New Orleans. And I haven't done much in New Orleans other than the French Quarter. Lame tourist Alex, I know. Here's what I can say: Mr. B's has the best shrimp I've ever had, the alligator sausage is damn tasty and the beignets and coffee are top notch. Architecture? Wonderful too. Other than that? LA's a conservative place, but I dig the swamp vibe. I'd never want to live down there, but I'd totally buy a videogame that took place there. It's a romantic place in my mind. A land where you're both free enough to loot but shackled enough to get stranded.

Shit, I'm poetic.

TOPICAL TUESDAYS: PALINDROME

THIS JUST IN!! Kleenex sales amongst Republican men 18-65 have gone up 900%! Damn. Now that's consolidating your base. Then again, all the Republican women who are so gung-ho about Palin's normal womanliness may feel a bit different once their husbands start accidentally calling out Sarah's name during intimate moments.

Probably my favorite part about the whole VP story is how obviously Huffington Post is showing it's liberal bias. I mean, nothing wrong with some liberal bias if you're a liberal. But this is beyond blatant. The current front page is an all out assault on this woman. From her ties with Alaska Separatist movement to her "near recall" as mayor of a town of caribou.

Ahhhh the CNN coverage is killing me. The GOP keeps talking about how sexist these criticisms of Palin have been. When your campaign's response to Palin's national security credentials is that Alaska is the closest state to Russia, you're opening yourself up to criticism.

This is the greatest thing about a candidates' VP pick. Someone's Wikipedia page can go from a stub to a full-on novel in less than an hour. That's power.

Oh my... John McCain has pulled his interview with Larry King because he's mad about an exchange between Campbell Brown and McCain's jerk-off spokesman Tucker Bounds re: Palin's foreign experience.... Wow that's completely lame.