Wagonwheel Wednesdays Volume 1: Alabama

In a new feature that I'm calling Wagonwheel Wednesdays (in honor of the wagon wheel so prevalent in Oregon Trail), I will profile every single state I've been to. For some who know me well, they remember a period of time when I didn't fly. I HATE flying, and eventually I said "ENOUGH!" During that time I drove everywhere. In fact, I can happily say that my feet have been in all 48 of the continental states. My car has been in nearly all 48 of the continental state. I've never been to Alaska or Hawaii and I don't plan to go unless I can drive. Driving to Alaska is doable on a long lonely icy road through British Columbia. If I still smoked weed, it would be a great trip since BC is a pothead's playground, but I don't...Then there's Hawaii, to which you're probably saying: "how can you drive on water? You're not Jesus." To which I say: "I'll drive onto a ferry and then drive off the ferry once I arrive in Hawaii."

But we're getting off subject. This isn't a post about what states I will go to in the future, but a post about where I've actually been. The goal is that in 48 weeks (the time it'll take to complete all Wagonwheel Wednesday posts) I'll have been to Hawaii or Alaska by car, but it's doubtful. In the meantime, you'll have to settle for the older states. The vintage, classic, throwback, retro states. Cool? Good... And one more thing, I'm only going to talk about what I did in the state. I'm not going to mention wild animals that I didn't see or concerts I didn't go to or the raging nightlife of cities I haven't been to. If all I did in a state was drive and piss at a gas station, then that's what you'll hear. At the very least, I tried to get a lotto ticket in every state that had lotto. To prove that I had spent some time in the state...

In fact we begin with a state that I've spent almost no time in! Alabama!!



My boss is actually from Alabama, so I've heard plenty of stories, and I'm a bit embarrassed that I haven't even been to his hometown. Not that I need to take some tour of his childhood, but it would be nice if we could connect over the best pulled pork joints or whatever.

I spent my entire time in Alabama on a single road going from New Orleans to Atlanta: I-59. Along the way, I saw only two things of note.

1.The American Mercedes plant. Pretty fitting that Mercedes- a one time Nazi affiliated company- would have its American plant in KKK country, right?

2. Tyson Chicken Truck Anyone who tells you that getting chicken from a fast food place is "healthier" clearly has never seen a chicken truck. It'll give you nightmares. Since my brain always clings to the social implications of everything, the chickens really internalized the horrors of the slave trade. Why? Shit I was in Alabama! In case you didn't hear, people were enslaved there. In fact part of the reason I didn't spend more time there was my paranoid delusions that what happened to three civil rights workers in the 60s would happen to me... Even though that was Mississippi...You get idea... So slavery was already on my mind and then I see these chickens that were packed into the truck like it was a slave ship of sorts. So crowded and in such obvious pain and discomfort. Awful. Truly truly awful... Eventually I got my mind off slavery long enough to look at the chickens closely. And holy hell. They were filthy, probably diseased, nasty chickens. People groan and cringe whenever I ask them if they'd eat a pigeon, but honestly these things were just as dirty as any pigeon I've ever seen. Freaky shit.

Halfway through the state I stopped at a Wal-Mart. I made it a rule that a state can't count in my tally unless I physically walked on the ground in a place other than an airport. So my ground at Alabama was Wal-Mart. Nothing special or sinister about the Wal-Mart. No racks of "The Racism Times" or "White People Weekly." Maybe I had been a bit paranoid. Maybe I should've spent a night at a motel in Selma. Maybe next time.