TOPICAL TUESDAYS: HAPPY ROSH HASHANAH

I spent my day praying at the very comedy club that Michael Richards had his infamous moment. My Rabbi struggled through the Torah portion and accidentally started doing a service for next week's holiday. But hey, at least I tried.

In honor of the Jewish New Year, I will address the validity of a few stereotypes about my people. I won't discuss whether or not we have horns (we do) or whether we used to make matzoh out of the blood of Christian babies (we preferred brains). We'll going to deal with some more pressing matters.


ALL JEWS ARE CHEAP

I'm sure you know the joke. "Curb" made a great reference to it last season. "Wanna see a bunch of Jews stampede all over the place? Throw a penny." Now here's the deal. We're not cheap. Some of us are. But most Jews I know that actually have money give a hell a lot of it away to charities. Now many of these charities are Jewish oriented but not all. I for one am very conscious of this stereotype. If I'm with a bunch of non-Jews, I may pay an extra couple dollars.

Really this stereotype comes from jealousy. Jews came to this country despised and broke and while we still are despised, we have a good amount of money, influence and power proportionally. This isn't pro-Jewishness, it's just true. Not because we're schemers, but because our specific type of oppression, mixed with our specific type of communal and religious values produced a breeding ground for success. So certain people that see this, get jealous and say we're cheap. Not true.

Take me for instance. I waste tons of money on useless things but I'm not a good example. Not spending lots of money on dumb shit doesn't mean you're cheap. Listen up, Johnny. Just cause your Jewish father won't buy you a 42 inch 1080 LCD for President's Day doesn't mean he's cheap.


ALL JEWS ARE SMART

I know some terribly dumb Jews. Jews that spell "truck" without the "c." But truth be told, we've won a lot of Nobel Prizes. Does that mean we're smarter or are just good at cheating the system? I think it's more the former, but maybe I'm biased. No, I'm kidding. It's probably a mix of both... Oh I don't know...I'm smart. I'll tell you that. Maybe because I'm Jewish. Probably just cause my parents are smart.

JEWS AREN'T CAPABLE OF EVIL

Person B kills 6 Million of Person A's family members. Does this mean that every relative of Person A and Person A's family will now be immune from despicable acts? Oh hell no. Perhaps the most infamous evil Jew is the Son of Sam. Many in the Jewish community tried to say that because SoS was adopted, he can't really be considered a Jew. The argument states that although Jews raised SOS, the Jews that raised him didn't pass any of their pure DNA to him. Well, fuck that logic. Not only is it completely holier-than-thou bullshit, but David Berkowitz's birth parents were Jewish too. Jews are capable of good, evil, anything. Note to fellow Jews: if you don't want people saying things like "Jews are cheap" or "Jews are filthy" then don't say " Jews aren't capable of evil."


ALL JEWS LOOK LIKE WOODY ALLEN

I may look like Woody Allen but that doesn't mean that all Jews look like Woody Allen. Although Eastern European Jews (aka Ashkenazi Jews... oh wait hold up, Ashkenazi has "nazi" in it? Damn, that's ironic....) have a lot of the power and visibility around the world, that doesn't mean we're the only Jews out there. There are Spanish Jews, Iraqi Jews, Black Jews, Indian Jews. We come in more flavors than lifesavers.

Okay, that's good for now. Please go call up your closest Jewish friend and wish him or her "shana tova." That means Good New Year in Hebrew.

A picture of me:

MUSIC MONDAYS: 5 LONGEST...

...songs in my iTunes at work. I can't speak for the songs at home because I'm not at home. It's also worth noting that I have songs on a hard drive that are mentioned in my iTunes at work that aren't on this computer. I am counting these songs in our tally even though when I click on them that little exclamation mark pops up... Also, we're only counting actual songs here. I have some "songs" in my iTunes which are really just full albums that haven't been split it up by track.

So let's get on with it. Top 5 longest from shortest of the longest to the longest of the longest

5. Miles Davis: The Ghetto Walk

A funky little number from Miles' "In a Silent Way" sessions. A bit of a pimp soundtrack. The sorta thing that could probably make McCain strut with soul. A great precursor to...

4. Miles Davis: Bitches Brew

And here we have the title track off the Miles album that came after "In a Silent Way." If you don't know about this album, you clearly know nothing about jazz (although purists wouldn't consider this song or album Jazz per se... The critics hate this album, piss on this album, stopped listening to music after this album!). It's considered the first bona fide "fusion" album. While "In a Silent Way" has its fusion moments, it's also quite rooted in Jazz compared to this one. Anyway, I own the complete 4-disc sessions for both these albums. They're beyond essential.

Time of Ghetto Walk: 26:50
Time of Bitches Brew: 27:01

3. Pharoah Sanders: The Creator Has A Master Plan

The centerpiece (and one of only two songs) from avant-garde Jazz saxophonist Sanders' "Karma" album. This one has it all: great melody, noise, sleigh bells. It gets a bit inaccessible at times in the middle, but taken as a whole, it's an impressive compositional achievement.

Time: 32:47

2. Charles Mingus: Blue for Roy's Saw (live)

I have no idea what this is. Charles Mingus (for the unfortunately uninitiated, possibly the greatest Jazz bassist ever, definitely one of the best Jazz songwriters/composers ever) rules and clearly this is a live version of a Mingus tune but if you asked me to hum it for you right now, I couldn't. That said, I'm sure it's great because Mingus is great. End of story.

Time: 33:11

1. Unknown Artist: Track 1

This could be anything at all. It must be a track from my hard drive because the exclamation point pops up. I'm sure it's a thriller.

Time: 52:41

So what have we learned? We've learned that Jazz legends like to play for awhile, a very very long while. Especially in the late 60s and 70s. I can tell you without a doubt that if I did this same list on my iTunes at home, it would be mostly late 60/early 70s Jazz/Fusion. In fact, when I get home, I'll post an update with my home iTunes 5 longest songs. We'll see who's right here.

Friendly Fridays: Some Baby Pictures

We all know what a puppy looks like, what a cub looks like, what a human baby looks like. And yes, all these mainstream babies are cute, very cute (although we've all seen some hideous babies). But I want us to think out of the baby box for a minute. Outside the crib if you will. Using my buddy google, I'm going to show you some baby pictures of animals you probably haven't considered much in infantile form.

Baby Emu



Baby Iguana



Baby Bonobo




Baby Shrimp



Baby Porcupine

THOUGHTFUL THURSDAYS

Have you ever given a word serious thought to the point where it becomes meaningless? Let me get a little linguistic for a second. A word is really just a symbol, right? Right. Yes, right. I'm telling you that's right... It's an auditory symbol. Or rather what it describes is a symbol and the word is how we actualize that symbol. It's like a deer X-ing sign. That symbol sends of a signal so that every time we walk down the street and see a man or woman dressed in blue, with a badge and a certain type of hat, we think cop, po-po, 5-0, pig, whatever your group of people calls police. So although language is a complex system and all, at its core, it's a bunch of one time arbitrary letter combinations used to describe things. Well, let me tell you folks, it can still be that and nothing more. Take any word you want. "Wolf" for instance. That's a good one. Just say it over and over and over again.

Wolf.... Wolf... Wolf... Wolf.... Eventually (and by eventually I mean anywhere from a minute to a few hours...gotta be persistent here, people) "wolf" will begin to sound bizarre, independent of its symbol and eventually devoid of all context.

Now that's some thoughtful shit.

... Okay now that you've finished that exercise, let me give you a few of my famous tongue twisters

1. Pedantic podiatrists peddle pathetic petals

2. Supine supers sip soup with supplicant suits

3. Grouchy grover grows gouty ground gowns

Next up... some word jumbles!

1. rsureesp

2. ppissiiissm

3. oasdneriu

Enough word fun. Get back to work!

WAGONWHEEL WEDNESDAYS: Massachusetts

Massachusetts is a bitch to spell, so I'm just gonna refer to it as M during this post. I've spent quite a lot of time in M, so I can make this post very long. I probably won't though. Sometimes I think I have a ton to say about a topic and then the whole thing caps out at around two paragraphs. Luckily that didn't happen on my GRE's, where I stunned everybody by getting a 6 out of 6 on the writing section. I'll accept your congratulatory prizes at anytime.

Now that I've adequately adopted the elite tone of a M liberal, let me begin. M is a large state with a few different distinct regions. I spent several summers in the Berkshire mountains at a little camp called Lenox. This is back when I loved to play sports. I still enjoy sports, as evident by my participation in a softball league. But by now I've accepted that I'm not the best athlete ever. I like my role as the X factor just fine: the guy that everyone doubts who can sometimes produce quite well. That's swell. Back then though I really wanted to be great. I had this idea that I was a fabulous hockey player. In fact, I was mediocre at best. Same went for basketball. It was always quite a shock to my system when I didn't get the respect I deserved on the court. I remember making the B team for this one tournament. I cried and cried because I thought I should make the A team. I cried so much so that they made me a starter on the B team. Of course they took me out after two minutes and didn't put me back in the whole game. By now, I've mostly gotten over the hurt.

This has nothing to do with M really. Just wanted to tell you a bit about my camp life. I could dedicate a whole entry to that miserable place. I had some good times for sure, but as I look back, it was mostly awful.... Now let's go on to the state itself. I've been to Boston many times because it was close to Providence (where I went to school) and before that because I had some friends and family in the area. Here's what I can say about Boston: beautiful city, mostly awful people. There are tons of colleges, so drunkards are everywhere. Plus, they had this massive infamous reconstruction project called "The Big Dig" where they rerouted a bunch of highways and bridges to make the city more friendly to pedestrians and drivers alike. Only problem is the thing took FOREVER to complete. In the process, the dig released rats everywhere. Plus Boston's a horribly racist, segregated place. And it's cold. Oh and I hate the Celtics. It does have some good record stores though.

Beyond Boston there's Springfield, MA, home of the NBA Hall-of-Fame. Also of note is Worcester, New England's third biggest city... Oh wait, now Wikipedia is telling me a recent census has it as New England's second biggest city, meaning it's now bigger than Providence... Damn. When I went to school, I was pretty proud of the fact that Providence was number two. Oh well. All I can remember about Worcester is that the local concert venue was hosting Insane Clown Posse the night I was there. Looked like they had a pretty huge turnout.

Other areas of note that I've been to include Fall River (home of ax-murderer Lizzie Borden), Amherst (home Amherst College and Umass) and the absolutely lovely island of Martha's Vineyard. MV is known as a rich person's playground. While that's certainly a fair assessment, it's also a pretty diverse place. It has a sizable Black population that goes back hundreds of years. It also has some of the best seafood on the planet. Oh the grilled swordfish caught fresh each day still makes me tingle all over. Plus, great biking, beautiful bluffs, a wonderful old time carousel complete with gold ring. It a fine fine island. I must return soon. My parents go all the time, but now that I'm on the other coast, it's not so easy to get there. One day soon I hope. Perhaps next summer even.

And there you have it. I guess this turned out to be pretty long after all. I've seen many parts of M as you can see (hmm maybe I should've said MA since that is a legitimate abbreviation). Overall, despite the harsh winters and lame Bostonites, I consider Massachusetts a Top 25 state. Beyond that, I'm not sure. Definitely not Top 10. Maybe Top 15. I'll let you know when Wagonwheel's done and I rank all the states. Until then, look at all the places I've been!

TOPICAL TUESDAYS: LOU DOBBS IS ON TV

Lou Dobbs looks like a very mean man.

I think I'd much rather have a drink with Bill O'Reilly than Dobbs. It's more than not agreeing with Lou's crusade against immigrants. That would be a fair gripe. But I'm more superficial than that. I don't like his face. I don't like the way he pretends to smile. He's never happy. Never. But he'll do a robotic laugh to try to show Wolf and Larry and the rest of the CNN gang that he can have fun too. But you know what? It's not convincing.

I first noticed Lou last year. Has he been around for awhile? Or did they just find him beating a Mexican to death and decide to put him on the air instead of in jail? Let me look it up... Oh wow, he's been at CNN since 1980. Why have I just noticed him now? Let's see... Moneyline. Yes, that's right, I remember that show. Was he such a damn pest then too?

Most people are shocked to learn that Lou Dobbs' wife is Mexican and that he has four half-Mexican kids with her. I want to sit down with the kids and ask them a thing or two. Has daddy ever hugged you? Has daddy ever dressed up as Santa? Has daddy ever done anything to suggest that he isn't just an uglier, angrier, nastier, more miserly Oscar the Grouch?

.. Oh he's smiling now. But smiling in a way that says "suck it, I know you want to suck it." How does his wife live with him? She must be a self-hater like Noam Chomsky.

Still don't know who Lou Dobbs is? Here's a good intro... So Lou, what do you really want to say there at the end?

THOUGHTFUL THURSDAYS: THE LETTER Q

How much do you know about the letter Q? Not much? Me neither.

I know it has a nearly monogamous relationship with U... but from time to time its eye will wander and you'll end up with a word like Qindarka. I know that there aren't tons of American names that begin with Q and that there are no states that begin with Q. But what are some of the more arcane mysteries of Q?

Wikipedia to the rescue... Here are some of the highlights:

*Q is the 17th letter of the alphabet... Well, you could've figured that out but I bet you didn't know off the top of your head

*Q was invented in 200 AD at the request of Noah's great-great-great-great-great grandson. Actually that's a complete and utter lie. Sorry.

*In Fijian, Q represents the pre-nasalized voiced velar plosive... Uh-huh.

*In Unicode the capital Q is codepoint U+0051 and the lower case q is U+0071.

Perhaps Q's greatest claim to fame is everyone's favorite game "Q&A." For those who haven't played, "Q&A" is a game with a single speaker on one team and a whole crowd of people on the other team. The crowd is responsible for the "Q" (which is said to stand for "Question) and the speaker is responsible for the "A" (answer). It's quite a match of wits, let me tell you.

Another place where the Q turns up is in the always helpful "FAQ" section of a website or publication. In this case the Q is frequently asked. You may wonder who does the frequent asking. No one actually. The author of the FAQ presumes the question's frequency most of the time. Having constructed many a FAQ in my day, I can say that the questions you put in the FAQ are mainly the ones you're sick of answering. Sometimes you're sick of them because people ask you three times a day, but other times perhaps only two or three people have ever asked you, yet the answer is just so damn annoying to recite again and again, that you put it up on the FAQ. Technically this is a MIQ (most infuriating question).

No more revelatory thoughts on Q at the moment. Next week we shall return with the letter X.

Wagonwheel Wednesdays: Maryland

Bah I say. Maryland is such a bah state. I spent a good year and a half working in Maryland in the DC suburb of Silver Spring. It's a perfectly fine place, similar to other Maryland DC suburbs like Bethesda. You've got lots of chain restaurants and little personality. There are a handful of delicious eateries that aren't franchises, such as Mrs. K's toll house (home of the best brunch in the country perhaps), but overall it's a fairly bland place.

Then there's Baltimore. All you need to know about Baltimore you can get from watching The Wire. Actually, not everything. The aquarium there is really wonderful. Probably the best I've been to. And the crab cakes. Oh shit, the crab cakes are absurdly delicious. You don't get that from The Wire. But the corruption, violence, and poverty that permeates much of this city of 600,000 is all detailed with artistic flare on HBO's sadly retired epic novel of a show. Although you may not believe it, not all of Baltimore is shady. There are a few nice blocks.

I used to think the inner harbor was a lovely romantic place. That is until my friend from Baltimore told me about the washed up cadavers they always find. Needless to say, you can imagine my outrage when someone once told me Philly looked like Baltimore. To be fair Philly has its grimy parts, but the proportions are far less the B'more. That's all gonna change though! Now that Michael Phelps has won 8 gold medals, The Baltimore Bullet is single handedly revitalizing the city with his spoils. What a champion.

What else has Maryland got to offer? I'll tell you what. The closest Waffle House to Philly! At 2AM, it takes about 45 minutes to get there. Not that bad when you have a craving for the most scrumptious utter crap ever made. I remember when I made my whole health-crazed family eat at Waffle House. They were miserable. My dad secretly liked it because he actually likes good food, my mom complained about the "greasiest grilled cheese" she ever had for hours and my sister refused to eat anything. Sigh. There are things worth eating other than multigrain bread!

You know what else is great about Maryland? Its shape. Certainly one of the most exciting shapes in state geometry. As you can probably infer from the more remote areas, Maryland has it's share of extremely country ass places. It's technically the South, which many people forget. Thus, there are still parts of Maryland (such as the little patch over the 18 mile Chesapeake bridge) where you can find your fair share of dirt roads and people you can't understand. HOW FUCKING ELITIST OF ME. I'm not saying the hillbillies aren't smart. I'm just saying some live off dirt roads and some are hard to understand when they speak. I don't see what's so elite about that...

... Fine, maybe it's a little elite.....

TOPICAL TUESDAYS: WHERE TO MOVE

The common line amongst people my age is that if McCain wins, we're moving. Interestingly enough, whereas 2004 saw a bunch of promises about "moving to Canada," this cycle has folks talking about more distant locales. I've heard Argentina, England, and Africa. But why are we forgetting Canada?

It has to be Sarah Palin. The problem with most of Canada is that it's damn frigid in the Winter. So it's no wonder that the comparatively temperate Vancouver emerged as the city where many disillusioned ex-pats wanted to migrate to. But now we're not so naive. Look at a map. What separates Palin's Alaska from the US mainland? British Columbia. Where's Vancouver? British Columbia. Combine Hawkish McCain with Miss Alaska and you better believe British Columbia will become American Columbia by the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics. That's why I'm thinking more along the lines of England. Costa Rica's pretty nice too. There are tons of Americans there. Parts of Mexico too.

Am I serious about leaving this country? I don't know. Probably not. Then again if I honestly believe Obama lost because there are tons of racist Americans, I may have to lead a mass exodus. My main drawback would be my family. Their main drawback would be their friends. I somehow doubt I can convince all my parents' friends to move to another country, but perhaps it's worth a shot. Please understand, that I really love a lot about America. I love the national parks and delicious pizza and American football and on and on. But the possibility of 16 years of Palin... It's beyond a bad Disney movie as Matt Damon suggested. If the first 8 years of Bush was the equivalent of the worst movie ever made and the sequel to the worst movie ever made, then The McCain/Sarah Palin Story is Rocky V. Do you really want to live in Rocky V?

Here's the thing. Let's consider pain for a moment. If you have a really awful sore throat, you probably have a keen appreciation for agony, disease, everything bad. Just as if you eat a raw piece of chicken and get salmonella, you have an appreciation for your digestive system. You may say to yourself "I'll never eat raw chicken again. I don't care how delicious it is, I can't put myself in this position." But then once the Salmonella gets better, you're right back to eating raw chicken. See I can understand if the country elects a Democrat and then in 4 years forgets the pain of a Republican and votes a Republican back into office. But we haven't even had a chance to forget the pain and Republicans are already on the brink of 4 more years. Back to our chicken analogy, it's like if right in the middle of the lowest point of your vomiting and abdominal cramps, you decide to eat more raw chicken. It's like picking yourself up from hours of misery and taking a shot of vodka, e.coli and salmonella to ease your suffering. Not sure who's the vodka but McCain's the salmonella (the old disease) and e.coli is Palin (the new bacteria in this cocktail that Americans are VOLUNTARILY drinking)...

I'm beside myself. Have you ever heard a common English person try to do an American accent? Usually they sound like rednecks. Well if this country votes McCain/Palin, I think I'll have to adopt that accent so I can remind myself at all times that I live in the world's stupidest land.

MUSIC MONDAYS: HAS ALEX STOPPED WITH CDs?

This past week I purchased the new Calexico and Okkervil River albums. No big deal, right? Certainly not blog-worthy. Well not quite. After threatening to purchase new albums on vinyl only, I finally took my first step. Anyone who has ever listened to music with me knows I love old vinyl. I've even been known to buy new vinyl. But accepting the demise of the CD by NOT buying albums from iTunes, instead taking it back to the pre-cassette days, pre-8-track days and going exclusively vinyl? Now that's change I can believe in.

If you like your drums to sound like a three-year-old banging on pots and pans, then stick with digital files. But I like to hear the instruments damn it! Fortunately there are other people out there that realize that mp3s have this terrible tinny sound quality. So about two years ago, record labels started going for a best of both worlds approach. They began issuing new albums on vinyl that also included mp3 downloads. Now I can listen to my physical media at home and the mp3 at the gym. Only problem is that you can't hook an iPod up to my car. I have one of those on-the-cusp cars. They don't have a tape deck, so I can't use one of the tape/ipod adapters and they don't have an aux input either. It's a car in audio limbo.

Now I don't for one minute think that my CD buying has stopped. For starters, sometimes the vinyl version of the album doesn't come out for a few weeks. If it's an album I really want, I can't wait a couple weeks. Impatience is a vice, I know.

My only major gripe with vinyl is that it's extremely environmentally unfriendly. I usually don't drive during lunch though, so I figure my vinyl-induced carbon footprint is less a Bigfoot print and more of a chipmunk print. That's not so bad, right?

THOUGHTFUL THURSDAYS: PRESIDENTS' 'STACHES

I worked on a crossword puzzle today that had the clue "Last Mustached US President." The answer was of course "Taft." Pretty amazing that mustaches have grown so unpopular since then. Plenty of actors still wear the mustache or at least the mustache/beard combo. In the "upstanding citizen" sphere however, mustaches are frowned upon (pun intended). Even newscasters (Wolf Blitzer aside) are facially bald.

It seems entirely plausible in 2008 that we'll have a Black president before we'll have another mustached president.

Who can name the presidents who've had mustaches? Using my good pal Wikipedia, I've come up with this list:

WOW. Was Lincoln really the first president with facial hair!? How is that possible? Insane. Maybe some of the earlier guys shaved before these pictures. Damn. Martin Van Buren had some incredible sideburns. Does that count?

Let's continue with our list.

Ulysses S. Grant... Man, and boy did Grant ever usher in an age of facial hair! The next 6 Presidents had facial hair!!

19. Rutherford B. Hayes
20. James Garfield
21. Chester A. Arthur
22. Grover Cleveland
23. Benjamin Harrison
24. Grover Cleveland (Okay, he's technically the same man as president 22, but he's considered a different number president. Take it for what it's worth)

After that, we had just two more presidents with facial hair (Teddy Roosevelt and Taft).

Now let's play a little game. What if Bush had facial hair? Do you still think he would've been such a rooster fuckamo?

WAGONWHEEL WEDNESDAYS: MAINE

Now here's a state I need to return to. I believe the only time I've been to Maine was when I went to visit my sister at her Jappy all-girls camp. That would mean that Maine may be the only state that I've been to WITHOUT my car. We had a rental car, but that didn't count because I was too young to drive it. So Maine is it....Wait wait, let me think about this... Oh I've never had my car in Florida, but I rented a car that I drove in Florida, so that's a bit better. I think that's it.

There's very little that I can say about Maine, because I visited there before I started caring much about states. I want to return to see Acadia National Park. The pictures and word-of-mouth are fantastic. But enough of that. This isn't Wishful Wednesdays.

I actually spent nearly all my time in Maine at all-girls camps. First I visited my sister's camp. Then the next day I visited my friends' all-girl camp. Who knows which camp was better or which camp had the cooler girls. At the time, I was 13 probably, so anything having to do with my sister was clearly inferior. Plus, I wanted to hook up with my friends (twin sisters... you know how that is). Of course, being the nerdy scrawny boy I was, I didn't hook up with them or anyone at that camp.

In retrospect, I'm sure the two camps were virtually identical. They both sang horrible songs. Oh man, the car rides I had to endure where my sister would sing camp songs for three hours, gesticulating wildly with her hands (they call it something...some official camp lingo... "leading" maybe?). MEMO TO CAMP DIRECTORS NATIONWIDE: Classic Beatles songs should never be replaced with words about trees, canoes or wooden bunks.

We stayed at a B&B, which usually isn't my style (I'd rather have my own bathroom at a Motel 6 than share a bathroom with eight people in a creepy house full of "gorgeous" antiques). But I will admit that the place had a great restaurant where I had these delicious pop-overs with strawberry butter. Oooh one of those sounds great right about now. You know what else is great about Maine? Lobster. My sister's camp had a lobster night every year. They fished lobster out of the lake and ate them. That's how my sister found out she was allergic to lobster. Poor girl. The McDonalds in Maine even have lobster. Or so they say. It's probably just Big Mac meat painted pink.

I'm now realizing that I have no idea where to mark on my map of Maine. I'll need to research this camp. I know we flew into Portland (funny how two states' biggest cities have the same name, right?) and then drove... Let me look up the camp... Oh no, I found their website. You can hear the singing for yourself!!

So based on my research, this is where I THINK I've been in Maine

TOPICAL TUESDAYS: NO POLITICS TODAY

I will not talk about Sarah Palin and my rabid dog attitude towards that spawn of Robert DeNiro in ANGEL HEART. I will get too upset.

This morning I saw something on the little screen in my elevator that I wanted to discuss. I now forget what I saw. So let me find another news item. I can't think of much. Kim Jong is on his death bed. What else? Larry King loves sex with 25 year old non-white women. What else?

Let's turn to Google News.

What's the latest news on Mr. Potato Head? It appears as if Marbles Children's Museum in Raleigh will begin an exhibit in 2009 entitled "The World Adventures of Mr. Potato Head." That sounds pretty great. I'd love to travel the world with Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head. They could easily adapt to every culture's norms, and they don't need a suitcase. That will be especially helpful on smaller flights where there are very strict weight-per-passenger limits.

What about Gumby? What's new with him? Apparently not much. Pokey on the other hand... no nothing new there either.

Moving along, let's check in on our old friend Neil Armstrong. The last I see on Neil is a mention of his 2005 autobiography and his desire to return to space even though NASA won't let him. Fuckers show no appreciation right? What's NASA stand for exactly? Neil Armstrong Sucks Ass? Must be.

Finally, how about an update on the country of East Timor. SHIT! The East Timor government is blaming the Australian government for introducing the toxic "cane toad," which is now described as East Timor's "worst pest." Apparently diggers in Australia released the toads, the toads hitched a ride on a military vehicle headed for East Timor and then had a ton of children once they arrived. This is clearly bad news bears. Let us at least appreciate East Timor's lovely flag.

MUSIC MONDAYS: OASIS SUCKS

I'm currently re-listening to all of Oasis' albums. Growing up, "Definitely Maybe" was always my favorite. Upon second review, I have to begrudgingly admit that "What's the Story Morning Glory" is better. I guess you can say Morning Glory is Obama and Definitely Maybe is Hillary Clinton. Clinton came first but Obama had more mass appeal. He's a brilliant pop song of a politician... Also, the difference between the two album/politicians are small in comparison to the Republican albums (or if you stick with this thesis, the later Oasis albums). "Be Here Now" is very different than its predecessors. Simply put, it's terrible. I remember when that came out, I had stopped caring at all about Oasis. I was always more of a Blur person anyway. Well actually I liked Oasis until I heard Blur. Then I stopped liking Oasis. Now I can see the benefits of both bands.

If anything "Be Here Now" has gotten worse with age. It's so awful. The production is complete adult contemporary, MOR shit. The songs suck. There is no grit at all. The ballads on this album are perhaps the reason James Blunt exists. So "Be Here Now" is McCain. Post "Be Here Now" is probably worse, but I haven't listened yet. Like Oasis, if we allow McCain to exist in office, his even shittier spawn (ahem, Sarah Palin) will keep wasting everyone's time forever and ever and ever. Just so people know, my girlfriend J. Murse has every single Oasis album. That means a full decade of sticking with them after they ceased to be good. Jeeze. If anything, I guess that means I can start being a shitty boyfriend and she'll stick around. Like really shitty. If you equate "Be Here Now" to boyfriend behavior that would be like cheating every day of the week. Yes "Be Here Now" is that bad. HA oh HA. Don't worry, I'm not even capable of being anything less than the Milky Way galaxy's BEST BOYFRIEND.

Now onto another topic. The new TV on The Radio Album is great. Actually I haven't listened to it all but I like what I've heard so far. Despite what Mr. James Cobo says, I don't think the band peaked with their first EP. While "Young Liars" may be pound for pound the best, they've certainly grown and expanded as a band, though the first album is a bit of a step backwards from "Young Liars" (I still think "Desperate Youth" is a solid album for the record). See if Mr. Cobo would take up my offer to start a Siskel & Ebert YouTube show reviewing albums, you could see us debate this idea of "peaking immediately" idea. Otherwise, you'll have to just imagine the entertaining back-and-forth between two extremely opinionated music addicts.

FRIENDLY FRIDAYS: AN ADORABLE YOUTUBE SENSATION

So this is a bit mainstream for a Friendly Friday, considering it's been viewed 3 million+ times but my coworker insisted that I post it. After grinning and bearing through a Barbara Walters intro (which does bring up a good point involving buying lion cubs at department stores), I let the video sink in. By the time it ended, my melted emotions controlled my hands and forced me to post this.



While I do think this will send a bad message to kids (uh... anyone see Grizzly Man? Your animal friends WILL turn on you!), the story is touching, adorable, and mostly certainly the friendliest thing I've seen all week.

In other huggamo news, Wall-E is coming out on Blu-Ray November 18th! Two Disc edition, including a digital download. Now I can have that little goofum with me at all times.

Ah, on the lion, I stand corrected. This has been viewed more like 16,000,000 times. Oh well, it's still great.

THOUGHTFUL THURSDAYS: ELECTION CONTEST!

Obama's ads aren't good enough. If they can get Ken Burns and Spielberg to make videos for the convention, can't they get a 30 second spot? What are they afraid of? Republican filmmakers fighting back? I thought Spike won the war-of-words over Clint (we'll see if he can back it up with Miracle at St. Anna, which comes out the same day as McCain/Obama debate number 1), so let's roll!

If the Obama campaign doesn't want to get too negative, that's fine, I'll do its job... Or should I say, WE'LL do its job. Today marks the beginning of a contest! All filmmakers or aspiring filmmakers out there, it is your challenge to create a 30 second Pro-Obama ad, tackling one of the following softball topics:

1. McCain as the Original Maverick. If you're referring to yourself as "original," it means you have self-doubts. Look at The Original Ray's Pizza in NYC or the Original Pat's King of Steaks in Atlantic City. Neither are the first! The original Maverick is James Garner. So here's the task: Question this "original maverick" myth. You can call upon James Garner or the starting lineup of the first Dallas Mavericks team in 1980. Or you can also do a compare and contrast with how McCain's 2008 views are much further right than his 2000 views. Would an original maverick who hates George Bush hug him so convincingly? Don't think so. Feel free to mention how Sarah Palin wasn't a MAVERICK move but a PANDERING move to the RIGHT.

2. POW. Get some psychologists to offer their views about how 5+ years of torture can affect someone's decision making abilities, especially in situations that involve war and torture. Actually you can approach this one any way you want. It just must involve being a POW and how it scars you! Feel free to mention that surviving the POW thing would make you great at giving inspirational talks to schools. I'm not trying to make a negative out of his bravery.

3. Play up McCain's Daddy Yankee endorsement. Mix Gasolina with McCain.

4. Somehow tie the fact that he left his crippled ex-wife to how he'll treat Sarah Palin's baby Trig and then use both to question his capacity.

If you have any other ideas for ads, that's fine, provided you e-mail me the idea and I sign off.

I'm expecting zero submissions, so even one will make my century.

WAGONWHEEL WEDNESDAYS: LOUISIANA

Damn, today's Wagonwheel could be a Topical, what with Gustav and all. Good thing we don't have another Katrina on our hands. Louisiana is so tied in my mind to that disaster that I have a hard time thinking about the state independent of that. But let me try.

I've been in humid climates before. From growing up in Philly to spending a couple July's and Augusts in Florida and North Carolina, I know what it's like to walk through a gigantic steam room. A schvitz as my ancestors would say. But damn, oh damn, when I got out of my car, my glasses immediately fogged up! I wiped them clean and they fogged right up again! For real, I used to think it was nuts how Britney's excuse for wearing slutty clothing was the heat in Louisiana. But she has a point!! If I grew up in Louisiana, I'd dress like a ho too. (For the record, I'm really tired of typing Louisiana fully. One, because it's an annoying to spell. Two, it has a lot of letters. Going forward I will say LA. Please realize I'm referring to Louisiana, NOT Los Angeles. Cool?)

I haven't done much in LA except visit New Orleans. And I haven't done much in New Orleans other than the French Quarter. Lame tourist Alex, I know. Here's what I can say: Mr. B's has the best shrimp I've ever had, the alligator sausage is damn tasty and the beignets and coffee are top notch. Architecture? Wonderful too. Other than that? LA's a conservative place, but I dig the swamp vibe. I'd never want to live down there, but I'd totally buy a videogame that took place there. It's a romantic place in my mind. A land where you're both free enough to loot but shackled enough to get stranded.

Shit, I'm poetic.

TOPICAL TUESDAYS: PALINDROME

THIS JUST IN!! Kleenex sales amongst Republican men 18-65 have gone up 900%! Damn. Now that's consolidating your base. Then again, all the Republican women who are so gung-ho about Palin's normal womanliness may feel a bit different once their husbands start accidentally calling out Sarah's name during intimate moments.

Probably my favorite part about the whole VP story is how obviously Huffington Post is showing it's liberal bias. I mean, nothing wrong with some liberal bias if you're a liberal. But this is beyond blatant. The current front page is an all out assault on this woman. From her ties with Alaska Separatist movement to her "near recall" as mayor of a town of caribou.

Ahhhh the CNN coverage is killing me. The GOP keeps talking about how sexist these criticisms of Palin have been. When your campaign's response to Palin's national security credentials is that Alaska is the closest state to Russia, you're opening yourself up to criticism.

This is the greatest thing about a candidates' VP pick. Someone's Wikipedia page can go from a stub to a full-on novel in less than an hour. That's power.

Oh my... John McCain has pulled his interview with Larry King because he's mad about an exchange between Campbell Brown and McCain's jerk-off spokesman Tucker Bounds re: Palin's foreign experience.... Wow that's completely lame.