Friendly Fridays: Deleting Cookies

I never liked Cookie Monster much growing up. I had no problem with the dude, but he wasn't my favorite character or anything. That changed Freshman year of college. My RA had this great Cookie Monster toy that would move around. But something had gone wrong with the wiring and from time to time he'd go crazy and move super fast. That shit's funny when sober. So imagine what it's like after you've taken five gravity bong rips. This fascination with Cookie Monster continued into Sophomore year when I bought a Cookie Monster puppet. I used to get high and move the puppet around and I'd convince myself the damn thing was real! I still have the puppet but I don't smoke weed any more, so he's not quite as fun. But if any of you readers who still smoke weed, live in the metro LA area wanna be entertained, come by and play with the puppet! And no my penis has not been up the puppet. I stopped doing that in the 3rd grade.

Now Cookie's one of my favorites. I've even come to love him on the show itself. He really used to shine in the old Sesame Streets. I know I've plugged these DVD sets before, but you they're brilliant.

Yesterday Jen showed me this, which has now become the highlight of my week. Well until the Lost finale last night. But this is second:

THOUGHTFUL THURSDAYS: MONTHS

Last week I let you in on the secrets of the Sunday through Saturday collective. Now we're going to focus on the months. Unlike the days of the week, I think I can name all of the months' origins off the top of my head.... Let's see how I do

January- Janis Joplin

February- No fucking clue. Ask me later.

March- The March Hare obviously

April- Planet of the Apes

May- Brian May of Queen fame


June- Everyone's favorite pregnant 16-year-old Juno

July- Julia Roberts?

August- Augustus Caesar

September- Septic Systems

October- Octopus

November- Guns N Roses' November Rain

December- Decathletes Dan and Dave

Now let's see how I did...... Searching searching searching Wikipedia.... Shit. Not so hot... Wow, I got almost nothing... Hmmm. Where did I get all my information?

And the real answers to memorize for random future uses.....

January- Named for Janus, the god of the doorway. Damn. Would you rather be god of the Sea or god of the Doorway? Seems like you'd obviously pick the sea. But there's no Neptunuary, so I guess the Door god won.

February- Now this is interesting. January and February were the last two months added to the Roman calendar because the Romans considered winter a month-less season. Looks like February is named after the word "februum" (purification) because there was a purification day every February 15th. Thrilling.

March- Ah, I should've known this one! Mars. 1/2 of M&M. The god of war! March is a pretty wild month. You think it's peaceful and then bam you're hit by a blizzard that keeps you in the house for weeks.

April- This one is really complicated. Apparently it's not named after anything but it may be named after aperire (to open), as in, April's the month when the flowers "open." But others says it's really for Aphrodite and once was called something else. I like my Planet of the Apes etymology better.

May- Oh fuck this. They don't know about this one either. It MAY (no pun intended) be named after the Greek Goddess of fertility Maia. A bit confusing since this is the Roman calendar. I shouldn't even continue this list. WHY CAN'T WE RENAME THE MONTHS!?

June- I'm right! I'm right! It was named after Juno!!! ... well not the same Juno, but that doesn't matter. Juno was Jupiter's wife. She was a big deal.

July- Ah! Close. Not Julia Roberts but Julius Caesar.

August- August Caesar! Right again!

September- Oh it's a number thing. Septum, Latin for Seven. Originally this was the seventh month. Boring.

October- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Another number. The eighth month in the original Roman Calendar. I wish all this Octo stuff started with Octopus, not the other way around. I would stop eating Octupati if that were the case. Not sure if that's really the plural. My Latin teacher told us that the plural of Octopus was Octupati. But I think it may be Octopi. But both are wrong in blogger's spell check, so who the hell knows... Let me look it up... Okay there are three "acceptable" forms. Octopuses, octopi, and octopodes. Octo-podes is the best in my book. Literally 8 feet. But Octopuses is most accepted.

November- Novem. Nine. They really ran out of ideas. They have three thousand gods, but can't even fill the 12 months. Sad. And we say they were advanced. Uh-huh.

December- Decem. 10. Obvious. You know Dan from Dan and Dave didn't even make the Olympics that year? A lot of people forget this. That's so sad. Those guys were everywhere.

And there you have it... Now we've done days of the week and months... Not sure what'll be next week. But I'll think of something... Or will I? This may just be a blank space. The "modern art" of blogging.

WAGONWHEEL WEDNESDAYS: SO-CAL

It's the land of Dr. Dre. The Beach Boys. Charles Manson. Vivid Entertainment. OJ. Kobe Bryant. Southern California, I'm so happy to call you home! But I'm not gonna waste your time with some anti-LA diatribe or talk about how great it is to see such gorgeous people walking down the street. Southern California gets an awful rap, but lets remember this is a huge region. Just because a few insane Bush-loving pop stars like to show their coochies to reporters, doesn't mean we all don't wear panties. Trust me, So-Cal as we call it (not to be confused with So-Co)has its share of true American Top 100, maybe even Top 10 gems. And I say that with a straight face... No that wasn't a reference to the whole gay marriage thing. Sometimes straight means uncrooked and gay means happy. Stop reading into everything... Here are three of those gems

1. The Salton Sea

Imagine a prehistoric sea in the middle of the desert, miles from any real form of civilization, surrounded by rusted ruins of the "hippie highway," covered in tiny fish carcasses. Sounds horrifying, amazing, unbelievable? I'd accept any answer. But believe it you must. About 45 minutes east of Palm Springs lies a prehistoric lake-bed that was accidentally flooded sometime last century to create an equally beautiful and miasmic destination. It's almost deserted now, save for a park ranger and a few RVs. But in the 40s and 50s this was quite a destination for Hollywood starlets looking to get away and zip around on speed boats. I have a documentary on this sea at the top of my Netflix. I'll update you with any new findings.



2. Death Valley

You could spend weeks here. Of course if you were camping without water you'd be dead in a day or so but luckily they have an oasis with two lovely hotels. If you want a mild climate, go in the winter. It'll be in the 70s. But if you like it extreme, which is how I'd recommend it, go in July. When I went the temp was around 130. You may say, "Anything above 105 is the same. Too hot." But 130 is a different level. It FEELS unsafe. It hits you in the eyeballs. They pulse and burn. After a few minutes out there, you start to feel them shift in the sockets, begging to get out. But if you can bear it, this place has many great treasures. First, it's the biggest park in the continental United States. I believe it's bigger than three or four states even. It's got nearly everything you'd need in a desolate Mars landscape.

Jagged rocks? Check. Sand dunes? Uh-huh. Basins almost two hundred feet below sea-level? Of course! But surely this place can't also have miles and miles of jagged salt fields? And mammoth boulders that mysteriously move across the desert floor? Or ghost towns...no scratch that ghost cities, ghost metropolises? And a golf course too! It's no wonder that almost every episode of the Twilight Zone that featured a distant planet was actually filmed in Death Valley.

The time I went in July, I saw a dude who must've been in his 70s running. I later read that they do a marathon out here every year. Only realistic explanation I have is that all the masochistic marathonists spent so much time in Death Valley training that they destroyed enough brain cells and pain receptors to numb them for 26.2 miles.

3. Joshua Tree

Speaking of creepy ass places... I arrived in Joshua Tree on the day that rescue teams went out to search for a missing hiker. He'd been missing for about five days and disappeared somewhere near a peculiarly shaped stone formation named "Skull Rock." So yes, I was a bit on edge as I got out of my car and walked amongst the U2's Most Famous Album Trees. I didn't get to see much since a swarm of bees attacked me. Somehow I got back into my car without even a single sting, but I'd had enough. The rest of the pictures I took from the car. That was four years ago though. I'm ready to tackle the place again.

There are plenty of other insane So-Cal attractions but those three will keep you busy for the next month or so. Perhaps the appropriate question about this particular region of the country isn't "why would you spend any time here?" but rather "is there anything MAN MADE worth seeing?" Hmmmmmm... Thinking... Processing...HMMMMMM.... Not really. Well maybe worth seeing, but worth driving across the country for? Nope.

And now after three patient weeks of waiting, I unveil to you the full map of Alex's California travels!

TOPICAL TUESDAYS

And first... a quick Musical Monday update since I was taking the day off to honor our veterans. What better way to pay tribute than gallivanting through Burbank looking for various record stores that have managed to stay open despite the recent trend of record-store closings. I found a couple decent places. Nowhere that I'd spend tons of time (unlike this little hole in the wall palace I found in Hollywood that has EVERYTHING, albeit at very high prices). One place in Eagle Rock- Ed's I think it's called- stayed open just for me. How kind. I was all prepared to buy something cheap just because Ed stayed open. That is until I discovered that the Soul/R&B section was simply entitled "Black." Come on now. Just cause they were called Race Records back in the day doesn't mean you have to keep up with that tradition. Good lord. Wake up Ed, wake up.

And now onto the topics of the day. Well let's touch on a Friday topic that kept the interwaves abuzz. Hillary said that she should stay in the race because Obama could potentially be assassinated. Or something that greatly implied this. While we may all think as much, for her to say it is mind blowing. Then the Clintons decided to blame Obama and his crew. Like what if we all blamed Hillary for Monica. Even though that would be more apt. It's not Obama's fault that racist fucks may not want him to be president. It is Hillary's fault that she drove Bill from her lips to the lips of a stunning knockout like Monica. She isn't exactly a warm person. I shouldn't blame her entirely. Bill woulda probably fucked around no matter how great his wife was. But with someone as low as Monica? That's all vendetta. As if to say to Hillary "I hate you so much I'll fuck around with anyone. I'll almost lose this presidency over anyone. That's just how much I hate you, Hillary."

But enough about the past. We're onto new days here. New times for men and women alike to rejoice and coalesce to form a grand unity. Or some blah blah blah like that. I can't find anything of note in the news. Sure there's always something of note, but nothing that needs a Rasputin spin on it. So why don't I pontificate on my name for a minute? I'm a Jew who has adopted the name of the not exactly Pro-Semitic Rasputin. First, please note this is an alias, which I adopted as an emcee name back when I wore valour, baggy clothes, and cornrows. It's a caricature of a man most known for the fact that they couldn't kill him. It's a fun sounding word, a bit like Rapunzel or Rumpelstiltskin... Fine I'll be honest. I knew Rasputin was a crazy looking mad man and I used to smoke a lot of weed and it seemed like a good name for a crazy Jewish rapper. Then I stopped rapping but needed some online user names, so I kept with the Rasputin theme. Now I found out he hated Jews. If I just abandon my persona, Rasputin would be winning. So I will take his name and I will make it a Jewish name. Like Black people taking back the N word or women taking back the C word.... *Sigh* I'll stop digging myself in the hole, I promise.

FRIENDLY FRIDAYS: A SHORT ONE

I have so little to say today, not because I hate you but because what I'm about to show you pretty much speaks for itself. It's no surprise that any animal can have adorable babies. But I had no idea that baby beavers were this cute. Wow... Check out all the slides. This is the sort of thing can shut "Cute Overload" down. What else can be considered "cute" after this? ... well actually I have plenty of cute furry friends to show you that rival these guys, but that's another matter entirely. And no that's not some sick reference. I really have an impressive stuffed animal collection. But no Mickey Mouses or lame shit like that (although I do have a Goofy pillow). Only the cutest.

THE CUTEST SLIDE SHOW EVER

THOUGHTFUL THOR'S DAY

Again I'm revising my TT platform. No this isn't a TT Boy reference for all you porn enthusiasts. TT stands for Thoughtful Thursdays.

Initially TT was all about the ranting. Then last week, I introduced the un-TT. Now I'm going to go back to TT but switching it up a bit. I will offer you something to think about. Sure, I know I always do that, yes. But on TTs that I don't rant or do an un-TT, I will offer you something that will change the way you see your day, or in this case, your whole week. Now I'll need a little help finding the answers here, so don't think I happen to know all this information because I'm really not that knowledgeable, although I'm pretty decent at trivia.

THE WEEK

Where do the days of the week come from? I remember hearing that Thursday is really in honor of Norse god Thor? And Sunday is obviously a day of the sun. (For awhile they started spelling Sunday, Sundae to make it a day of the whipped cream and cherry, but that didn't last). And Monday is Moon's Day. I used to know them all but now, not so sure. Is Saturday for Saturn? And Friday for the Fry Guy? Actually I have no clue if Monday or Thursday are even right, let alone these other ones.

Let's consult our good friends at Wikipedia.org . Of course we then have to put a huge asterisk next to all our answers since Wikipedia is the source of such fun facts as "Sinbad just died of a heart attack."

(Play your favorite song here while I look up the answers.)

(... this is taking awhile. Play another song.)



(...... I'm a slow reader... play the whole album)

And we're back!

SUNDAY: Okay I was sorta right. This one comes from the German goddess of the Sun Sunna. I didn't even know that the Germans had their own gods. Amazing. I guess the non-Christian Pagan Germans did. Why do we keep this usage though? We don't worship Sunna.

MONDAY: Hmmm maybe all the days of the week come from Germany. Because Monday is named after Mani (or in Olde English Mona) the Germanic god of the Moon. Oh I see, not German mythology, Germanic mythology. I guess that's different... Ah I looked it up. Germanic mythology and Norse mythology are the same thing. Now I feel better.

TUESDAY: No this isn't a day for two year olds, despite what your little monster might try to tell you every Tuesday as he sneaks another cookie. Here we're celebrating Tyr, the Norse god of combat.

WEDNESDAY: Ah the day that throws off all the 100% scores on the weekly spelling bee. Why Wed-Nes, when it's pronounced Wens? Blame it on the olde English Wōdnesdæg, named for the big daddy of Norse gods- Woden aka Odin. Makes sense that the most important Norse god would get the day in the middle.

THURSDAY: Again I was right. The direct translation of this is "Day of Thunor," which is another name for Thor, the Jupiter-like Norse god who's most famous as the one Norse god that anybody's heard of. I guess some folks know this Odin character as well. But Thor gets most of the love.

FRIDAY: Ooh another female day. Here we have a day for the Norse/Germanic love goddess Frige who later changes to Frigg but with some loose connections to Freyja. Now that we're clear, let's talk about Frigg for a minute. All you lonely people out there, make sure you call her up to get some action. Well hmm maybe if it's her day, she'll be out fucking who she wants, no time to help with your problems, sorry.

SATURDAY: And now we reach the oddball of the bunch. Saturday, named after you got it, Saturn. This is the only day to keep its original Roman name. Now if you look back at the Roman days of the week, they're all named for the Roman equivalents of all those Norse gods I just told you about.

Now don't you feel so much smarter? Next week if there's nothing to rant about, I'll tell you all about the months.

And now the realms of Norse mythology:

WAGONWHEEL WEDNESDAYS: MID-CALIFORNIA

Wait, but Mid-California's not a state... If this is what's going through your head, please read my post last week. If I take the whole time re-explaining myself, Wagonwheel Wednesdays will become a creepy time loop... ahem, Lost?

Here we are on our journey. The middle of this fine golden state. What is there of note? Not much gold anymore... But there's San Francisco, the world's shittiest city...... Ha, now I got your attention Jen. No San Fran's great. But so much has been written on this place that I can't really add anything to the conversation. I will mention a word on Oakland though. Oakland has a reputation as being a super shady, shit hole. I had heard buzz though that it was in the midst of some sort of renaissance so when I had to go there for work last year, I was actually pretty excited. I was expecting a place that was culturally interesting, gritty, but now hip. Eh, not so much. Yeah there are some new buildings but it all feels like such forced gentrification. It felt fake. Don't try to make a place something it's not. I'm not knocking the true Oakland at all. I'm not calling it a scary ghetto. I'm saying that its charm isn't its fancy new lofts on the water.

The main attractions of mid-California aside from San Fran and the gorgeous coastal landscapes of Carmel and Big Sur are the national parks. On one hand you have a crown jewel of the system: a little place called Yosemite. Then there's the awkwardly named King's Canyon/Sequoia National park, which although listed as one park is really two parks.

Let's start with the one you've heard about, Yosemite. This place is named after the lovable redneck Looney Tunes character Yosemite Sam. Legend has it that the El Capitan rock inside Yosemite looks like Yosemite Sam's mustache, so they named the whole park after him. How kind. Ansel Adams took lots of pictures of this place. I think he lived there... What's there to say? There's tons to do. You can scale the face of El Capitan, sleeping in a little cocoon as you climb. Or if you aren't a talented rock-climber, you can play in the waterfalls. Here's the thing about Yosemite. It's fucking filthy. It's really sad. There are so many damn people at this place that you can't go far without finding a KitKat wrapper or a beercan amidst the natural wonders. Speaking of those natural wonders, although they're cool, they don't quite live up to the hype... That is until you look at your pictures. I really think this place is nicer in photos than in person. You can't see the trash in the pictures.. well unless you took pictures of the trash.

One thrilling moment that you can't get in a photo came when I checked into a creepy old Shining-esque inn on park grounds. As I walked down a long walkway to the lobby's entrance, I heard a growl from the rafters. I looked up and an adorable raccoon was hissing at me!! Ah, the wonders of wildlife. Brought me back to that innocent time when I wanted to be Ranger Rick.



But raccoons aside, save your time and money and go see the giant trees at Kings Canyon/Sequoia. Well Kings Canyon doesn't really have too many giant trees. It's just a beautiful canyon with plenty of other impressive vistas. I think there may be a sequoia or two in the park after all. But the real artillery is in the park that's actually named after the tree. I already talked about the redwoods, but these sequoia things are even more serious. They are fat ass trees. Tall and wide. These guys got GIRTH. A few may've even been choad trees (wider than they are long). My favorite section is the fallen tree that you can drive through. I probably looped around and around this same tree for an hour. It never got old. Solid gold I tell ya, solid freakin gold.

Topical Tuesdays: The Pump

Bitching about gas has become a cliche. It's a fair thing to bitch about since the prices have been insane for years now, but there's not really any new humor to be found in such an unfortunate topic. That won't stop me though. I hope to at least pose a few new questions. There's nothing wrong with reinventing the wheel if you can reinvent it to fly and cook you dinner and offer you security. Not saying that I'll be making improvements like that to the topic of gas prices, but it's hypothetically possible for someone to take the tired topic that far in a positive direction.

Apparently CNN had some special about gas prices, a sort of "what if" horror story about the world running out of oil and gas prices topping 10 bucks a gallon. I didn't watch the special, so for all I know, these deep questions I'm about to propose have been discussed at length. If this all looks like plagiarism, please please know that I never saw the special, and if I had seen the special and wanted to steal something, I'd at least own up to my theft.

Speaking of theft, with prices already high, gas stations have begun to clamp down on gas thieves. If they think stealing is a problem now, just wait. If gas were 10,11,12 bucks a gallon and it cost over a hundred bucks to fill up your car, almost everyone would want to be a gas bandit. Not only individuals stealing gas, but huge gangs taking over gas stations and peddling the shit like crack. It would probably start a civil war. But let's not get so severe for a moment. If this thought is occurring to me, it's occurring to plenty of other people that actually make decisions. It's not a happy scenario, so I'm sure plenty's being done to do something about the pending problem. I'm not so sure that they're doing much to stop the climb of gas prices, but they have to be doing something to prevent gangs from taking over when gas gets that high. The question then should be, how high will gas have to get before they start having cops and/or armed gas-men at the pumps?

You'd probably also need some sort of device that would prevent people from syphoning your gas, since that's another sure problem.

This may sound all Waterworld, but I'm not some hairy dude with a megaphone screaming about 9 headed blasphemous snakes and how Coldplay are the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Yes, I'm hairy, but no I'm not screaming about all that. I'm a cute Jewish boy with a winning (if somewhat gappy) smile, three rambunctious pet owls, a swell gem of a girlfriend and an overall normal demeanor. Okay, fine, not normal, but not madman street prophet either.

Just think about it logically. We all have a breaking point. We bitch and moan when gas is where it is now, but when will the bitching becoming shooting and the moaning become pilfering? It's bound to happen sometime.

Then when they talk about the "Gas Pump" they won't be referring to the device you put in your car to pump your gas.

Music Mondays: Fuck the Shortstop's DJs

If you live LA and are either a hipster, friends with a hipster, or get off on watching hipsters dance like the pasty fucks most of them are, you've probably spent your fair share of time at the Shortstop in Echo Park. When I first moved to LA, I spent a ton of time at this place. I wouldn't really put myself in any of the three categories exactly, but I figured that most hipster girls are easy and I could probably find some companionship. Didn't work out so well. But that's fine. I'm happily STD-free as a result!

Now this may seem like I'm here to bash the bar. Definitely not. It's a lovely place. There's a disco ball, which always entertains me for at least 30 minutes. There's a picture of Curtis on one of the walls. The jukebox is mostly great. There's a photobooth, and a Ms. Pacman and Golden Tee. Cheap drinks. Overall pretty good. Plus, in the past, Thurs-Saturday nights were always great for dancing. Solid DJs playing a predictable but funky nonetheless mix of tracks. Well...Not so much anymore...

Perhaps it's different on Thursday and Friday, but the DJs this past Saturday were a complete and utter embarrassment to the act of DJing, music in general and of course the whole concept of "fun." The problem wasn't in the tune selection. These guys actually played some great numbers. But they had no idea how to transition anything. One song wouldn't mesh with the next, at times you could loudly hear the needle dropping, a song would play for about a minute before going to a new song. There's a reason disco versions of songs are 10 minutes long. When you get in a groove, you want to stay in a groove. If you actually know how to DJ, you can mix from one groove to another so it's as if it's all one long amazing medley. Apparently this never occurred to these guys. Maybe part of the problem was that there were at least two DJs in the booth, plus another three or four guys offering their moral support.

Hey, I'm glad everyone in the booth was having fun, but on the dance floor- a place where I slowly arrive, but when I begin to move I can stay fluid for quite some time- it was like driving a Mack truck through a pot-holed Philly street. I'd look over to the DJs to see if they at least acknowledged how awful they were. But no. Definitely not. These guys were having an incredible time. They were bopping their heads like they were Grandmaster Flash or something. It made the whole experience at least eight times worse, probably nine.

The only thing I can think is that the Shortstop is cheap. It's one of the few places in LA you can dance for free, with no cover. In general a cover is often charged because the club has to pay a DJ money (or they're greedy, or a bit of both). So perhaps the Shortstop pays nothing to these guys. They just take such pleasure in themselves so much, that no additional fee is needed. This DJing isn't a job to them, it's masturbation. The end result? We have to sit here watching these motherfuckers jerking their turntables in ways that may pleasure them, but leave us with what? Yes that's right, we're basically these fucks' soiled cummy tissues. It's very degrading being covered by DJ semen, let me tell you. From now on, I'll pay the 10 bucks to get in a place. It's worth it.

Friendly Fridays: SESAME!

No this isn't a post about sesame seeds, which are another love of mine. We're talking about the street. Sesame Street. Kids still watch this show and love it and learn and that's beautiful, but for the most part, this jumped the shark awhile ago. In fact, from what I read, I may've been part of the last generation that grew up on the real Sesame Street. For the purists, it all went downhill after Snuffie became visible to humans. The story goes, as kidnappings increased, and scary movie-of-the-weeks about kidnappings increased, for the first time in history, it became important to trust your child. For parents the choice was simple: either believe that there's a man with a gun outside the window, or lose the baby forever. But on Sesame, Big Bird kept claiming that he saw this weird Woolly Mammoth type character and everyone made fun of him. Not exactly the best example for a child.

Soon after that, Elmo became huge. I remember when Elmo was a miscellaneous Muppet thrown into parade scenes and the like to make Sesame Street look like a super populate metropolis of Muppets. If you watch Lost, Elmo was like the extra survivors that hang around but never say anything. And now look, Elmo's bigger than Matthew Fox. Travesty. Yeah sure, Elmo's really cute, but he's taken over everything. He's now a bona fide Muppet Dictator, subjugating the Little Birds, the Barkley the Dogs, the Guy Smileys to fringes of Sesame Street memory. You don't see them on the show anymore but I bet if you visited Sesame Street all these forgotten characters would be holed up in a project tower somewhere turning tricks for just one more hit of that shit.

But I digress. This isn't Thoughtful Thursdays, this is Friendly Fridays and let's be friendly about it. I want to share with you two Sesame related items.

1. R2 on Sesame

Jen loves R2D2 so much. I've also liked him a lot too, but she really really loves the little robot. I've often gotten her R2 related items for gifts (like an R2D2 light, an actual mini working R2D2 drone, that kinda stuff). So the other day I looked up R2 on wikipedia. I found out tons of great tidbits that I'll share on another Friendly Friday, but I'll let you in on one forgotten secret now. R2D2 and C3PO were on Sesame Street in 1978! I looked at my Old School Sesame Street DVDs to see if any of their clips were on there but I should've known better. George Lucas would never allow that now. Luckily YouTube gets away with a lot. So behold. The incredible comedy team of R2D2 and C3PO... on Sesame Street!



If you scroll down the comments, one person said that he used to think R2D2 and C3PO were Sesame Street characters! Amazing.

2. The Count There's this great contest going on right now where they ask people to extend the rest of an album cover scene. Like lets say the cover was just a small bit of a larger scene. A lot of them are really bad, be warned. But the people that can actually use photoshop and have some creativity, made some fun ones. Check out the Sesame Related... "Beatles 1"




Now opening up the forum... Who's your favorite Sesame Street character? Jen hates Sesame Street, so she probably won't say anything. Oh wait, no she likes Ernie. That's fair. I used to not love Ernie and Bert but then I got the old school Sesame Street DVDs and these guys rule. The one where Ernie takes Bert's nose... let me see if I can find it



Elmo CAN NOT compete with that

Un-Thoughtful Thursdays

Don't worry, this won't be a post where I talk about cutting off drivers or stealing pennies from blind homeless men. It's a spin-off. Yes it's sad that after only a few Thoughtful Thursdays I'm spinning off. But let's face the facts. You can't have rant-worthy thoughts every single week. At least I can't. So for days when I have no really passionate thoughts, I will have an "unthoughtful" post. You can consider this the lobotomy post.



It may involve games that you can play at home. The only rule is that it has to be pretty much mindless. For instance, you might see a list of all the words that I can think of that rhyme with "Dreidel." Alright, so that DOES require thought- fable? does that count. If I was still an emcee, under the Rasputin moniker, I woulda definitely said spin the dreidel/broken Mt. Sinai fables... Or some shit like that. BUT IS IT A REAL RHYME? - see... thoughtful but also sorta mindless.

Let's begin with a very simple exercise. On the count of three, what are the first three animals that come to mind. 1,2,3... RESULT TIME! Mine was Gorilla, Possum, Chimpanzee. Chimps and Gorillas are similar but not the same.... Let's try again... 1,2,3... Deer, Care Bear, Piranha.... One last time for good measure.... ONE... TWO... THREE.... Goat, Horse, Cheetah. Actually I'm cheating. The real answers were Goat, Bear, Chimpanzee. But I had already done chimp and a form of bear so I didn't think that was really worthwhile.

Now you try.

ONE

TWO

THREE...

Please write in your comments what animals came to mind.

Ah, speaking of animals (and I do realize there's a slight overlap with Friendly Fridays, but hey, consider this Unthoughtful Thursday to be a kinda segue into tomorrow. Or maybe It's making up for my oversight last week. Damn I don't need to justify myself to you. This is my fucking thought of the day, damn it. Animals are worth thinking about. The Polar Bear was just put on a protected list so it won't go extinct. This is worth our thoughts. So answer this question and stop with the harassing already, it's rather uncouth of you). Here's your animal question: Let's say you were Noah for a day, but God got really mad this time and only wanted to save three animals, what would you pick? Keep in mind the following words as you make your decision: pets, delicacies, cute, helpful. Can someone please respond to my questions already?

Wagonwheel Wednesdays: California 1

And now we come to California. Sorry for all of you salivating over next week's Colorado entry, but California has now been extended for an additional two weeks. A single Wagonwheel for California is criminal. The place is too damn big and since I actually live here now, it's pointless to try to smush everything into a single post. I can hear the questions already. Three California posts? Why not two California posts? Northern Cali and Southern Cali. Well you know what, after seeing the entire state of California, I emphatically do no subscribe to the Two Californias principal. We're gonna do a little activity.

Look at a map of the state. Draw a line in the middle. Everything over the line is Northern California, everything below the line is Southern California.

Now what do you see?



The bay Area is North of this line... but barely. Let's take a look at a Football field. If you're over the 50 yard line you're in the other teams' territory. But I wouldn't exactly call the opponents' 45 yard line much. It's technically on their side of the field but is really more in a central no-man's land. The mid-field area if you like. The out of field-goal range region. Etc. The Red Zone (within 20 yards of the end zone) starts way further in. By this map, it would be just south of Redding, California.



Now stay with me a minute. Northern California has a reputation as being liberal, laid back, hippie-loving and so on. But have you been to this "Red Zone" area? It's super redneck. Of all the places I've visisted in this country, rural country road Georgia and WE-"hate Obama, because we're raci"ST Virginia included, these Northern California cities are perhaps the scariest most redneck places ever. We're talking about hundreds of lawns that prominently feature signs reading "Get the US Out of the UN.. NOW." How can this place be lumped into the same category as Free Love, dot com 2.0 innovation and the continent's biggest Chinatown?

Look again at our little California football field. The Bay area definitely isn't Southern California either. Culturally or geographically. But why can't we call it central California? Is that so hard? How about everything from Fresno to Santa Rosa. The whole region is Mid-Cali. There's Mid-Town Manhattan. They don't call Times Square downtown even though it's several blocks south. Downtown has a different culture. So it's a different place. In fact, let's do a side by side with a flipped Manhattan map. WHAT DO YOU SEE??? WHAT DO YOU SEE?????






The 45 yard lines are in the same place!

Disagree all you want but for Wagonwheel Wednesdays, there will be Northern California, Mid-California and Southern California. End of fucking story. Got it?

Now that I've rambled for longer than most of my entries, let's continue to the real Northern California.

It's a gorgeous place. You enter the state and immediately hit the Red Wood National Park. I personally prefer the Sequoia trees (which we'll touch on in the Mid-California entry) but the Redwoods are even taller. You drive through the forest and they're everywhere. My initial plan was to drive stay in "Crescent City" right on the other side of park. Then I saw Crescent City. It's the kind of place that makes Gary, Indiana look like Fiji. As paranoid as I am, Crescent City wasn't really an option for spending the night. I saw that if I drove a couple hours more, I'd arrive in the great city of Eureka. I have no idea why I thought Eureka would be paradise. Probably fond memories of Eureeka's Castle. But me oh my, this place may've been freakier than Crescent City. For one, Crescent City didn't have a super old school low security prison in the middle of Main Street. I saw a few wanderers dragging their feet on the sidewalks and I didn't stay to see more. Enough was enough. It didn't help that thick cottage cheese fog began to roll in off the coast and limit my visibility to about five inches. I drove another thirty minutes or so finally found a Holiday Inn Express that didn't make me preemptively cower, hide and cry.

THIS HORROR, THIS TERROR, THIS SCREAMFEST is the true Northern California

Am I being a bit bigoted? Perhaps. To all my Northern California readers, I'm sorry. I will give you all another chance. I still want to check out the Lassen Volcano National Park, so let's have a beer there in '09? Perfect.

P.S. The map of where I've been in California will come with the third and final California entry (on May 28th).

TOPICAL TUESDAYS: THE WORLD CRUMBLES

I know this is grim, but if you can't deal with grim, then maybe you should move to another planet, cause things aren't too wonderful for most people right now. For liberal fucks like myself, natural disasters and the like are times for us to finally show compassion to others. I like to think I'm better than that, but how come I start counting money for donations only after something bad happens?

Here I was last over a week ago reading a new report about Burma or Mynamar or whatever we're supposed to be calling it and the typhoon. At first it seemed like nothing too major, then the numbers went up and up and up until I saw one prediction that the death toll could top 500,000. Only then did I feel it was my duty to write a check of some amount. It's completely insane to me. See I'm talking about it right now, I know that there's something wrong with this picture, but yet, when all mellows out over there, I won't feel the need to give money any more to anyone... until something else bad happens.

I gave money to the tsunami and Katrina. Both times, Iit felt good. I thought I should start doing this more often. But then I had a doubt. Was I giving money to actually help others or was this some sort of validation? I remember I used to go off on my parents, saying "It's great to give to charity and all, but that's so easy." Back then I thought I was dedicating my life to helping others through art. Sure entertainment is an act of social vitality, but looking back it seemed like a bunch of excuses so I could keep my hours smoking weed per hours awake regiment intact. I do believe that people too often write a check and that's that. But yet here I am falling into the same trap.

Back to Asia. As it became obvious that the corrupt (at least according to the media) Mynamar government didn't plan on letting aid come in, even going so far as feeding victims rotten rice as they exported the good shit for just as high a profit as ever, I held back my donation. I already was pissed when I heard about how Red Cross botched up Katrina donations. Did I really want my money going to a gold floor tile in some war lord's palace?

Then it all got more complicated after a 7.9er hit China. The stories of students being buried alive. Living in an earthquake zone myself. Suddenly Burma became an afterthought. As if my do-good brain could only comprehend a single tragedy at a time.

So shit, where does this leave me? Money to Burma or money to China? Or money to both? Or no money at all? Questions like this make me want to pursue social work all the more. I hate that I'm being forced into this upper class white Democrat model of charity. Writing checks, writing checks, writing checks. It's like how so many Jews (myself included) go to High Holiday services only. We're secular most days of the year and then we go. Just to give ourselves an out, in case there's a God after all. Although, I justify the High Holidays thing more as: I may not believe it, but people were burned in ovens for my right to worship freely, so maybe I should do it. As for the charity, I say fuck it. Enough's enough. I'll write a check to China, I'll write a check to Burma, but for every dollar I spend, I'll pledge to do that much actual work next year. No I won't adopt families, but I'll do something a bit more concrete.

It saddens me that I even need to ramble about this. Loyal blog readers, please don't let me forget that I want to help. As I get sucked into hours upon addicted hours of Mario Kart, I lose sight. But please, pull that Wii wheel from my hand and drag me down to a homeless shelter one Saturday afternoon so I can wake up from my bougie daze and remember that I love people.

Music Mondays: Sorry Guys!

I feel so bad. I didn't post on Friday. I know I have a grand total of five readers now and if I alienate my base this early, I'm screwed. Word of mouth will spread alright but it'll be "this fuck's already slacking. Read this shit but prepare to have to wait days for posts." So I'm sorry. But I won't say "this'll never happen again." It will happen again. I will forget. Accept it now and it'll be easier to digest. But my promise is this: for each time I forget I will post on a Saturday or Sunday to make up for it. By the time the year ends, one way or another you will have 260 posts. In case you're wondering how I came up with this number, I post on 5 days of the week, there are 52 weeks, 5x52=260. I'm a magician, I know.

Now let's not dwell on the past. It's Music Mondays damn it. Today I want to start a new subfeature of Music Mondays that I will return to from time to time...THE UNRELEASED ALBUM. For some crazy reason, there are plenty of incredible albums that have never come out on CD. Then there are thousands more that came out on CD in 1992 and went out of print a year later. There are a variety of reasons for all this I'm sure. Lucky for me, I have a wonderful USB turntable that easily converts all my records to mp3 or WAV or whatever space eating format I want. Plus, I can fully remaster all the records myself with some convenient audio programs. Now I don't have the time nor the skill to accomplish this, but the knowledge that I can try is a set of warm pajamas in the Tundran winter.

So we begin...with Neil Young's "Time Fades Away." Ah, Jen's favorite artist...Ah, James' favorite... Well fuck that, he's my favorite. I'm sorry if your ears and brains lack the Neil cells... Let's keep it rolling though. I'll rant about James' hatred of good music on a Thoughtful Thursday... So so so a few years back, there would be plenty of other Neil Young records on this list. Perhaps his best album "On the Beach" was never released on CD till 2003. A criminal act by a man who loves to torture his fans. Luckily he took some pity on us and cut the water-boarding. But on this one, he won't budge. Apparently he disowns this album. Let us begin the story. After Neil Young's Harvest came out, people expected a live tour that captured that album's rustic, poppy-folk sound. Instead what they got was a bunch of furious numbers about Neil's childhood, a rocker about smoggy ass LA crumbling into the sea, and many other head scratchers. Mid-tour Neil decided to throw most of these new songs onto an album. He didn't go into the studio and rerecord anything. Just the live versions. But all new songs.

Listening back, it seems a bit odd that fans were taken so aback. Yes there are some out there bangers like "Yonder Stands the Sinner" but then there are typical Neil Young ballads like "The Bridge." And the closer "Last Dance" features Crosby and Nash (thankfully no Stills). Every folkie-hippie fuck likes them. Maybe it's more because of what it started. You see, Time Fades Away was the first album in Neil's "Doom Trilogy." This is a set of three albums (Time Fades Away, Tonight's the Night and On The Beach- fyi On the Beach was recorded third but released second) created on a mix of weed, hamburgers and tequila. They are gut-wrenching records of a man on the brink of insanity. In comparison to Tonight's the Night and to a lesser extent On the Beach, Time Fades Away is quite tame. After all, Tonight's the Night and On the Beach name names, speak very openly about fatal heroin overdoses (Neil's former bandmate OD'd after Neil fired him, as did one of Neil's roadies), and have an all-around madman rambling-quality that could put off quite a few listeners.

But the fact is that in 2008, Tonight the Night is one of Neil's best loved albums. Maybe it's because Time Fades Away sounds so tame in comparison that Neil hates it. It's more raw than Harvest or After the Goldrush but not raw enough. That ambiguous middle ground must be the sound of rusty razors on chalkboards to his peculiar ears. As Neil prepares to release his entire recording output (release and unreleased) on Blu-Ray in the coming years (or decades or millenniums, who knows with this guy. He's been promising it since the 80s) I hope this will actually see the light of day. Until then, get the vinyl and sign the petition.

THOUGHTFUL THURSDAYS: CAFFEINE

Should I drink another cup of coffee? Should I drink another cup of coffee? Should I drink another cup of coffee?

I'm a health nut. I don't mean that I AM healthy. I'm actually not nearly as healthy as I should be, although I haven't smoked regularly in five years, I've stopped binge drinking and I try to go the gym at least four times a week. Still, I worry a lot about health. Hypochondria is the word for it. In fact, you can see just how bad my problems got in this little video...



Healthy or not, I care a lot about what's good and bad for humans. I try at least to eat things that have healthy properties to combat french fries and pizza. So as I began to crave the coffee, I started to wonder, how much caffeine is too much? This morning I had about two cups I'd say. Then I had a little bit of green tea for lunch. Now I want more damn it.... Oh wait, I really need to change the tone. This isn't any old day, it's Thoughtful Thursdays. I need to rant... Excuse me, let me take a break and collect my thoughts... ahem ahem....OKAY GOD DAMNIT. Health professionals, decide! I want coffee and I don't know how much is too much. Some reports say that 500MG a day (5 8oz cups of coffee or so) is good for you. It's good for Alzheimers and Parkinsons and Liver disease and more. But then there are reports that say it's bad for your heart and studies from the early 80s that say it causes pancreatic cancer... What to believe, what to believe?

My mom says those pancreatic cancer reports have been debunked and it does seem that although coffee drinking has increased, and energy drink consumption has increased, and caffeine content in a single cup has increased, and the definition of "cup" has increased from 8 oz to 16 or 24oz, we have not become burdened by a pancreatic cancer epidemic. Okay, I've convinced myself, I'm brewing some coffee.

As I wait, let's have a moment of story time. I remember when I first started drinking coffee in the eighth grade. Now don't get this misunderstood. I didn't have cups every day. Just a dabble here and there. A little experimentation with the Special C. But then I started having a real appetite for the stuff. I'd binge coffee drink. Flying back from France on a class trip, I had eight cups or something. The teachers and kids were egging me on and I kept drinking and drinking and drinking. And then there was THE TIME. It was a year later. Fall I believe. Yes yes, Fall. During the day I had a couple Cokes (actual Coca-Cola. Don't get it twisted.. my gigantic nose is not the proper shape for that kinda coke). Then at night I had a Venti mocha from Starbucks. Once I got home from Starbucks, I immediately had three or four more cups of coffee. Shockingly when I tried to go to sleep later, I couldn't. What's worse, my heart started playing Steve Coleman rhythms (for those that don't know Steve Coleman is a saxophonist who has his rhythm section playing in one time signature and his horns in another and his guitar in another and so on). It felt like an earthquake had struck Pennsylvania. I had no idea what was wrong... so I drank some Pepsi. Well that didn't cure the tremors... I lay on my parents floor shaking for a few more hours until finally the Earth slowed down. I didn't have any caffeine for months after that. But I did smoke weed for the first time the next day. My poor poor heart.

Okay back to the ranting... I'm all for caffeine. I love it. I drink about 2-3 cups of coffee a day. And I mean between 16-24oz a day. Sometimes it'll only be one big cup. Sometimes three smaller cups. But is it really necessary to have a drink that has 505MG of Caffeine? Then there's caffeinated gum, caffeinated soap. Are there caffeinated condoms lubricated with caffeinated astroglide? What about caffeinated laundry detergent or caffeinated bedsheets?

In my caffeine searches I found out that Jen's idol Robbie Williams (I swear if she EVER EVER tries to hang a picture of him on our wall... OOOOH there will be words) checked into rehab for smoking 3 packs a day, drinking 20 red bulls a day and having 36 double espressos a day... By my calculations- 20 RBs at 80 mg a can, 36 DEs at 200 mg a cup- that's 8800 MG of caffeine a day!!!!!! Maybe he isn't mortal. I can't even comprehend this. It's more insane than people finishing the 72 oz. steak at that motel in Amarillo, Texas. It's maybe even more insane than John Bonham drinking 40 shots of vodka on the day he died. Well maybe not. But Robbie was doing this EVERY day, so maybe.

Enough. "I'm Finished" to quote a fictional oil man. I know this hasn't been as ranting as usual, but trust me, there's a little man running up and down my brain stem right now, outraged by the amount of caffeine that Robbie Williams consumes in a day.

WAGON WHEEL WEDNESDAYS! ARKANSAS

In fourth grade, we all had to do reports on a state. We didn't really have much choice deciding the state. As I recall we wrote down our top four choices and they gave picked us a state. My top choice was Louisiana. For some completely mystical reason, I was a New Orleans Saints fan. I liked the Eagles too, but I may've liked the Saints more. So I wanted Louisiana. But I didn't get it. I got Arkansas. I don't even think Arkansas was on my list. Turned out to be a pretty good find though because right around the same time, Bill Clinton sprang onto the scene. In fact, my Mom went to see him at a fund raiser and got to meet him but she forgot my final report at home. I had drawn a stunning replica of Arkansas in red ink on yellow construction paper. A Bill Clinton signature on the front would've made the report my second most prized possession (after a rare hard cover edition of Stephen King's Danse Macabre that I actually managed to get him to sign... yes I liked Stephen King as a young boy).

It would be another twelve years or so before I actually visited Arkansas. And let me tell you... As I crossed the Tennessee border, I drove straight the hell through Arkansas' eastern most town West Memphis. Not sure if you know about the West Memphis Three or have seen the documentary Paradise Lost, but basically these three clearly innocent teenagers were thrown in jail for life for "killing" a few little kids. You watch this movie, it'll convince you. I'm not a Metallica fan by any stretch, but I don't think you should be falsely incarcerated for loving Metallica and dressing accordingly. So when I crossed the Mississippi and hit West Memphis, I kept moving. Not speeding, but moving. If they could do that to a couple metal heads, I didn't want to find out what they'd do to a shaggy haired Jew. I did notice that West Memphis had a very impressive Greyhound Dog track.

I drove for about two hours, through some surprisingly green field and the capital, Little Rock. Little Rock's a bigger city than you'd guess. It doesn't feel like New York or anything but it definitely feels more city, less town. I didn't actually do anything in Little Rock. I stayed at a hotel that had ducks walk through the lobby every morning at 11:00AM.

The next day I went to Hot Spring National Park. Pretty interesting place, but it shouldn't be a National Park. You see the National Park system has a hierarchy. When it comes to natural places, the most important is the National Park. Then there's the National Monument. Then the National Point of Interest. There are plenty of National Monuments that have later become National Parks (Death Valley, Black Canyon of the Gunnison, etc), so don't feel too bad for the National Monuments. As for man made places, there's the National Historical Park. These aren't "National Parks" per se. A National Park has the designation because of its natural beauty, whereas the Historical Park is important because of a historic reasons (achievements, battles, treaties, declarations, bah blah)

Which brings me back to Hot Springs. Hot Springs is a town built on... shockingly enough hot springs. You can bring up a bottle of water and fill it with delicious hot spring water for free. But the real draw of the park is Bath House row. Once upon a time, rich and famous Southerners descended on Hot Springs to unwind. Most of the bath houses are only viewable from the outside but a few are open for tours. Each house has (now empty) marble mineral baths and other fancy features. Cool... but isn't that historic? I realize that the bath houses are there because of a natural phenomenon but the place simply isn't beautiful enough to compete with any other National Park. It's not only the least beautiful National Park I've been to, but it offers as much natural beauty as a typical city park. Sure there are a few mountains, but they're a couple thousand feet high, nothing particularly impressive. But the Bath Houses! That's some history there.




I want to return and check out the Ozark mountains. Maybe see where The Band's brilliant drummer/mandolinist/singer/lone American Levon Helm was born.




I realize that in my illustration it says Hot Spring, not Hot Springs. Don't laugh.

Topical Tuesdays: Indiana and North Carolina

Aw shit, aw shit, aw shit. It's another primary day. My addiction to this season has sort of dropped off, but I'm still checking NY Times, CNN, Huffington, Drudge, etc every hour or so (down from every five seconds). My favorite thing about the Drudge Report is how they photofuck with all the liberals and make them look like zombies. They find the scariest picture possible and then seem to remove all color. Except they sometimes make Barack look darker too. Tricky conservatives.

Less that 6 minutes till Indiana closes! 3% of the vote in, 'Bama has 41%, Hill 59%. I wonder if Hillary's the butt of the jokes in the senate since her name is Hill. Hill on the Hill. Yeah probably not. Fuck puns, I shouldn't go there.

It's funny how people like me aren't really watching the race for the issues. It's pure sport. The Republicans are the Western conference, the Dems the East. This is the championship series here, before the Finals in Novemeber. McCain's already in after his latest four game sweep and Hillary/Obama have been in Game 7 for months. It's one of those game 7s where there's a team favored by fifteen points. But... forget it. This sports metaphor is true, yes. It held up nicely in my head. On screen though it's dumb. So I'll stop.

Polls closed in Indiana.... TOO EARLY TO CALL... Blah... let's keep waiting.

I want to stick to our candidates though. Let's play a game of Would you Rather? We've all heard the would you rather about the red telephone at 3AM, but what about some basic issues. I'll even let McCain be a part of this game.

1. Who would you rather have for a parent?

2. If the candidates were actually cops, who would you want to pull you over?

3. If your favorite sports team decided to change its name in honor of a candidate who would you want it to be. The Charlotte John McCains? The Houston Hillarys? The Oklahoma City Obamas? Remember to consider logo, mascot and so on.

*UPDATE UPDATE Polls close in NC in 10 minutes!!***

4. Let's return to the questions... If one of the candidates had to take over for the freaky Verizon guy, who would it be? What about if one had to take over for Jared (of Subway fame)?

**UPDATE... Indiana: 16% of the Vote. H has 57%, O has 43%... Getting a bit closer.... NC closes in 4 mins or so**

5. Another question... If you had to be a caretaker for one of the candidates in his/her old Depends-clad age, who would it be?

**UPDATE... less than a minute... less than a minute in NC... less than a minute... three seconds.....two... one... CNN PROJECTION.... OBAMA WINS, OBAMA WINS, OBAMA WINS.... damn he must've kicked her ass**

Looks like the race will go on and on and on.

One more question to mull over till tomorrow... Who makes the better Sonny and Cher. Hillary and Obama or Hillary and McCain?

Music Mondays: Alex's Favorite Instruments

Don't you love fetishes? It's pretty remarkable when someone's fetish is brought into full focus. Like someone who has a red hair fetish. It doesn't matter what the person looks like, if she has red hair, she's "fine." Yeah there are plenty of beautiful women with red hair. But I'm sorry, THIS isn't fine just because there's red hair on the head:



Or foot fetishes. You must go nuts if you have a foot fetish. Almost everyone has feet. If you have a foot fetish AND you're horny and you're at a beach. Aw shit. You know how when you get really drunk your standards drop? Does it apply to foot fetishists too? Corns, calluses, whatever. MMMMM....I need me some fucking foot.

DON'T GET IT! But I do sort of get the fetish thing because I get really excited over certain instruments. When I pick up a new album and read through the liner notes and see "Pedal Steel Guitar" or "Dobro" my anticipation levels shoot through the roof. Especially if it's an instrument that you don't see every day in a certain genre. If I pick up a Hip-Hop album that has melodica on it, oh damn. It could be the most negative 50-Cent derivative shit you've ever heard, if there's a melodica in the mix, I'm down. That's why The Automator is one of the greatest Hip-Hop producers in my mind. His palette is massive. Melodicas, mbiras (that's the real word for thumb piano I hear), vibes. Anything that sounds great.

But please please, don't think I crave a whole smorgasbord of sound. In Brian Wilson's hands that's divine, but I generally don't get excited when I hear "kitchen sink" in an album review. Pedal steel, piano, strings, melodica, etc. Wonderful if woven into a fabric, but pitiful alongside whistles, lawnmower, french horn, recorder, donkey, bells, chimes. If I see all that mess on the liner notes, I assume it'll be some faux-Beck self satisfied boredom.

But a straight ahead rock band with a Sousaphone? Now maybe you're talking.

FRIENDLY FRIDAYS: SOMEBODY HATES GOOMBA

As you may know from my old blog that's linked on this page, I love the Goomba. He has all the attitude of a diva but the humbility of a day-player. Goomba is always around, but like I've said before, he's like the pigs at the San Diego Zoo. Not sure if you've been to the San Diego Zoo, but anywhere there's empty space at the zoo, they stick a sub species of pig. Same thing with Goomba in the Mario games. If they have no better enemies, they'll stick a Goomba or a paragoomba in there. Goomba ribs. Yum.

Only once though has Goomba really taken center stage as a playable character (Mario Superstar Baseball). I thought maybe it would be different with the new Mario Kart. After all, there's something like 12 unlockable characters. At first I wanted to be surprised and discover the new characters as I unlocked them. But then I cheated and did the Wikipedia thing. No Goomba. I should've known right away because some levels have Goombas walking around as obstacles. It would be a bit unfair to have an obstacle that's also a driver. For one it would support Goombacide. What's more, it could be seen as an unfair advantage if the Goombas messed with other driver's cars but never touched Goomba's car. Still. Some of the characters they have instead of Goomba are absurd. It seems like there's like Baby versions of all the characters. I love babies, but do we really need a Baby Daisy? And then there's Funky Kong? It's awful. A travesty beyond tragic. A calamity of disastrous proportions. An abomination of despicable viscera.

Look at this guy. He's as lovable as Nintendo gets.

Thoughtful Thursdays: CFLs

I want to be green, I really do. I have a reusable grocery bag that I usually forget in the car, and when I do, I try my absolute best to carry all the food in my hands before I answer the "paper or plastic" question. And the more I learn about what not to throw out, the more I try to follow proper protocol. Batteries for instance. I know you can't throw them out, but what are you supposed to do with them? Turns out it's not that hard. A lot of stores take them back. Problem solved.

And then there are the energy-efficient Compact Fluorescent Light bulbs. By this point Wal-Mart and other mainstream retailers have pushed them enough that you all love or hate them. From the cute Dairy Queen shape to the odd buzz and smell they emit, everyone has an opinion. For me it seemed simple. So what, they take longer to turn on and aren't quite as bright. At least I can use them and feel good about myself. Then I learned something that positively terrified me. The fucking things have mercury in them. Yes, I ate so much swordfish as a child that my insides probably look like T-1000. But still. CFLs may contain a very small amount but let's say I put 10 of these things in my house. I live in Los Angeles, an earthquake is quite possible. Generally when earthquakes hit, things break. If 10 CFLs break, suddenly the 5mgs of mercury in each one is let out into the room. 5mgs, not so much. But 50mgs? A bit more.

Sure, I'm being paranoid. I could maybe use one or two in my house and call it a day. Only problem, you can't throw these things in the regular trash can. I assumed I could drop them off at the local Target along with my used batteries, but nothing's ever that simple. Turns out, almost no place that sells these things takes them back. The closest place to my house is 5 miles away. And it's downtown and closes before I get home from work. I think it may be open on the weekends, but the amount of gas and carbon I'll let out in the air driving downtown and back to recycle a light bulb completely defeats the purpose of the light bulb in the first place. So what's the option? I can do what everyone else does and throw the CFL out and saturate our landfills with mercury (then that mercury will go in the water and my sushi will be even more fucked up). Or I can say FUCK THESE ENERGY EFFICIENT LIGHT BULBS. I'm going to choose the latter. It's not because I have the Bush mentality about climate. It's because using these bulbs will cause more pollution. Congress, pass a law that says companies can't sell these things unless they take them back. Then I'll happily put one or two in my house in the least breakable
places possible.