THOUGHTFUL THURSDAYS: CAFFEINE

Should I drink another cup of coffee? Should I drink another cup of coffee? Should I drink another cup of coffee?

I'm a health nut. I don't mean that I AM healthy. I'm actually not nearly as healthy as I should be, although I haven't smoked regularly in five years, I've stopped binge drinking and I try to go the gym at least four times a week. Still, I worry a lot about health. Hypochondria is the word for it. In fact, you can see just how bad my problems got in this little video...



Healthy or not, I care a lot about what's good and bad for humans. I try at least to eat things that have healthy properties to combat french fries and pizza. So as I began to crave the coffee, I started to wonder, how much caffeine is too much? This morning I had about two cups I'd say. Then I had a little bit of green tea for lunch. Now I want more damn it.... Oh wait, I really need to change the tone. This isn't any old day, it's Thoughtful Thursdays. I need to rant... Excuse me, let me take a break and collect my thoughts... ahem ahem....OKAY GOD DAMNIT. Health professionals, decide! I want coffee and I don't know how much is too much. Some reports say that 500MG a day (5 8oz cups of coffee or so) is good for you. It's good for Alzheimers and Parkinsons and Liver disease and more. But then there are reports that say it's bad for your heart and studies from the early 80s that say it causes pancreatic cancer... What to believe, what to believe?

My mom says those pancreatic cancer reports have been debunked and it does seem that although coffee drinking has increased, and energy drink consumption has increased, and caffeine content in a single cup has increased, and the definition of "cup" has increased from 8 oz to 16 or 24oz, we have not become burdened by a pancreatic cancer epidemic. Okay, I've convinced myself, I'm brewing some coffee.

As I wait, let's have a moment of story time. I remember when I first started drinking coffee in the eighth grade. Now don't get this misunderstood. I didn't have cups every day. Just a dabble here and there. A little experimentation with the Special C. But then I started having a real appetite for the stuff. I'd binge coffee drink. Flying back from France on a class trip, I had eight cups or something. The teachers and kids were egging me on and I kept drinking and drinking and drinking. And then there was THE TIME. It was a year later. Fall I believe. Yes yes, Fall. During the day I had a couple Cokes (actual Coca-Cola. Don't get it twisted.. my gigantic nose is not the proper shape for that kinda coke). Then at night I had a Venti mocha from Starbucks. Once I got home from Starbucks, I immediately had three or four more cups of coffee. Shockingly when I tried to go to sleep later, I couldn't. What's worse, my heart started playing Steve Coleman rhythms (for those that don't know Steve Coleman is a saxophonist who has his rhythm section playing in one time signature and his horns in another and his guitar in another and so on). It felt like an earthquake had struck Pennsylvania. I had no idea what was wrong... so I drank some Pepsi. Well that didn't cure the tremors... I lay on my parents floor shaking for a few more hours until finally the Earth slowed down. I didn't have any caffeine for months after that. But I did smoke weed for the first time the next day. My poor poor heart.

Okay back to the ranting... I'm all for caffeine. I love it. I drink about 2-3 cups of coffee a day. And I mean between 16-24oz a day. Sometimes it'll only be one big cup. Sometimes three smaller cups. But is it really necessary to have a drink that has 505MG of Caffeine? Then there's caffeinated gum, caffeinated soap. Are there caffeinated condoms lubricated with caffeinated astroglide? What about caffeinated laundry detergent or caffeinated bedsheets?

In my caffeine searches I found out that Jen's idol Robbie Williams (I swear if she EVER EVER tries to hang a picture of him on our wall... OOOOH there will be words) checked into rehab for smoking 3 packs a day, drinking 20 red bulls a day and having 36 double espressos a day... By my calculations- 20 RBs at 80 mg a can, 36 DEs at 200 mg a cup- that's 8800 MG of caffeine a day!!!!!! Maybe he isn't mortal. I can't even comprehend this. It's more insane than people finishing the 72 oz. steak at that motel in Amarillo, Texas. It's maybe even more insane than John Bonham drinking 40 shots of vodka on the day he died. Well maybe not. But Robbie was doing this EVERY day, so maybe.

Enough. "I'm Finished" to quote a fictional oil man. I know this hasn't been as ranting as usual, but trust me, there's a little man running up and down my brain stem right now, outraged by the amount of caffeine that Robbie Williams consumes in a day.