MUSIC MONDAYS: TO OPEN OR NOT TO OPEN

If you've ever met me or heard about me from a friend, you probably know that I'm addicted to vinyl. No this doesn't mean that I inject liquid vinyl into my arms as a way to get high. Nope. This isn't a reference to mod couches either. It's Music Mondays, not Furniture Fridays.

Yep, I love me some records. Whether it's going to Amoeba five times a week and looking at the same sections, driving 100 miles for a "record tour" of some small town's shops, praying that some senile woman gave a rare record to Goodwill, or searching eBay all day: records are very important to me.

Unlike some collectors, I'd say I have a dual interest when it comes to records. I want to collect rare and valuable records but I also want to enjoy the records. Some collectors will collect from any artist, no matter if they like the music or not. That's pointless. I have a real job. I don't need excuses to make my addiction worse. It's bad enough having a constant "wish list" of 10 or so records. I don't need that list to expand to 30,000 records of artists I've never heard...

Other collectors will never listen to their rare records. I get that. Every time a record's played, the condition goes down a wee bit. The more the condition goes down, the more the record's "Grade" goes down. The more the grade goes down, the less it's worth. But I simply don't have the discipline for that. I want to hear my music.

So before I get into how "hearing music" relates to a dilemma I have with a recently acquired record, let me tell you about the record (LP) grading system in general.

Keep in mind that most people lie about the ratings. They'll inflate it so you'll give them more money. Usually the inflation's minor, but not always. I've seen records that are rated Mint that have pretty large scratches on them. You actually see people deflate ratings now because buyers in the past have been so furious about being ripped off that some dealers don't want to risk their lives or businesses. What makes ratings most confusing is that the categories are insanely misleading. A "Good" record is actually pretty damn fucked up...

So let's start from the top

Mint: A mint record doesn't exist. In theory a mint record is unplayed. But even if you get a sealed record, there's a chance it's been tested at the record facility, which would technically make it played. Pretty much unless you make the record yourself, there's no true mint record in the world.

NM (Near mint) aka M- (Mint Minus): This is what most regular sane people would consider mint. A record of this category is perfect. No scratches. No creases in the cover. Shiny. Probably been played once. A lot of dealers won't even use this category.

VG+ (Very good plus): This is the most common category. Everyone wants to call their records very good plus. A very good plus record may have some light scratches but is mostly perfect. Well actually that describe a VG++ record. A VG+ is a wee bit below that but not as scuffed up as:

VG (Very good): Now you're starting to get kinda bad. A VG record has rather noticeable scratches. In quiet passages you can even hear crackle. Despite what people of my 20-something generation may think, a record is not supposed to sound like crackling wood. We may have fond childhood memories of cozying up to a record player as it crackles. That's nice. But it's not the sound you're really looking for in a record. The reason we associate it with how "how records sound" is because our parents had most of these records for 10-20 years before we heard them. You ever look at your parent's records? They're probably scratched more than the owner of catnip hopped-up baby kitten.

G (Good): Not good at all. Scratches, pockmarks, divots all over the place. It won't skip though. It'll just be a noisy experience.

P (Poor): This is a shit record. Cracked, mangled. So horrible you may as well use it for something else.

Stupid e-Bay fucks like to get creative and add pluses and minuses all over the place. VG++ is somewhat accepted now. But G++-+--? No. VG+++++++++++++. No. G/VG? No, unless the G is referring to the record and the VG is referring to the cover.

But perhaps the most controversial rating of all and the reason for my very dilemma.... SS. STILL SEALED. A record sealed in unopened shrink wrap from the 70s or before is as close to mint as you can get. It should never be opened because the fact that it's remained sealed for this long is a miracle. Only problem is that it's really fucking easy to reseal a record.

Take my current record that arrived: Junie Morrison's "Suzie Supergroupie," a great overlooked 70's funk gem from one of the main creative forces of the early Ohio Players and later an integral part of the Parliament/Funkadelic machine. It's rare. Not insanely rare. But rare. And it's sealed. I have no idea if I should open it. I want to listen to it. I really do. But I don't want to ruin the prized SS rating. Unless it's not a true SS. What should I believe? Let's look at my evidence...I got this record from Amazon marketplace. When reading former buyer's reviews of the seller, someone wrote

"This person rewraps things and passes them off as new."

Also, the wrapping doesn't look 30 years old...

Hmm.... I think it's been re-wrapped.... I think I need to open it...

If I find a scratch on this fucking record. Oh shit there will be hell to pay. Hell of the worst most demonic satanic pitchfork cloven-foot horned sulfur-reeking kind possible...

Okay... here goes the opening...

I opened it... I think it's mint. This may've been a real sealed record. I've ruined everything. I'm miserable... There are no scratches on this at all!!! None. There are a couple little marks though. Not scratches but smudges maybe.. So maybe it was resealed. Maybe. Ahhhh!!! I'm going to listen to it tonight. Once. That's it. Oh shit I'm becoming like a lame collector. I'll listen to it more than once. But not often. Sparingly.... This is sad. I just opened a real live SS record... No no no I didn't. I had a smudge or something. Not a scratch but what looked like a worn mark. Like it's been played. Or it's just been sitting around for 30 years. I DON'T KNOW!!!!! WHY DO PEOPLE CHEAT THE SYSTEM! Hmm... at the very least I have a rare true NM record. I should be happy... Sigh.


(Not my actual record... Please not that the person on the cover is not Junie, but a model that Junie hired to play the role of "Suzie" the Supergroupie.)