THOUGHTFUL THURSDAYS: FACE RECOGNITION

I'm going to reach deep inside today, past the brain stem, below the medulla, underneath the soul. Today you will learn more about me than you ever thought you'd know. Don't worry, I won't waste time telling you about a brutal childhood. I won't claim that my girlfriend beats me (which by the way... is true... those bruises aren't me falling down because I'm clumsy. A softball didn't hit my thigh last week. She beat me. With a bat. An aluminum bat. And a tennis racket. And an ancient wooden crossbow. Actually she shot me with the crossbow. Why? Because I left my socks on the ground. THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP). I shall waste time for sure, but not on these matters. Today we will talk about one of my greatest deficiencies.... My lack of facial recognition.

It sounds funny. Alex can't assemble a nose, two eyes, and a mouth into a meaningful whole. But let me tell you, it's torture. Especially since Jen has INCREDIBLE facial recognition (Jermaine from FOC in New Zealand anyone?)

Yeah it's bad. Almost every day I meet people at work... or I think I meet people at work. I say "hey man, so great to finally meet you," to which they usually reply "met you last year."

In LA, it's especially fun. All my east coast friends ask me if I've seen the stars. I always shrug and say "maybe? I'm not really sure."

Jessica Alba in The Griddle a couple weeks back? Would've had no idea if Jen didn't tell me. Do you know how many opportunities I've probably missed out on? I could have an Oscar now, if only I realized that Scott Rudin was sitting next to me on the plane... Well maybe it wasn't Scott Rudin. He probably wouldn't be flying coach or Southwest... Bad example.

Just how bad? One time I went to check the mail in my apartment and this woman was opening my mailbox. I said "Excuse me. But I think that's my mailbox." She said "Alex. It's Jen. Your girlfriend." "Ah yes of course."

... I sometimes think someone's broken into our house. I grab a crowbar and am about to swing away... when "Alex. It's Jen! Don't you recognize me?!" Sorry in advance, Jen...

But seriously, my favorite Brian Wilson story ever goes a little something like this. After a concert Brian sees two adoring fans coming his way. "Hey there fans, I'm Brian Wilson," he says

"We know, we're your children."

Now that one IS true.

Enough story hour... This is a major major problem. I sometimes worry that it's a precursor to Alzheimer's. What a terrible thought. I stopped using all aluminum foil just in case. They say aluminum can cause the disease and while much scientific evidence tells a different story, given my early probable symptoms, I should play it safe... And it's not just faces. I forget nearly everything. The other day I lost my cell phone. I have no idea where. I looked up my bill and there were all these calls to Chicago that I didn't make. Knowing me I probably gave my phone to a homeless man and forgot all about it.

People think "spacey" is funny. It is. It's hilarious watching people walk in circles, falling asleep in meetings, forgetting where they parked for three hours ... if it's someone else. If it's you. Less hilarious, more awful. Sure, hilarious years down the road. But as I've implied extensively, spaciness usually gets worse.

Please please please let me keep my mind... Unless the symptoms convince me I'm a billionaire living atop an endless stack of fried chicken, lasagna, macaroni/cheese and coffee ice cream. That I could get used to.