TOPICAL TUESDAYS: WHERE TO MOVE

The common line amongst people my age is that if McCain wins, we're moving. Interestingly enough, whereas 2004 saw a bunch of promises about "moving to Canada," this cycle has folks talking about more distant locales. I've heard Argentina, England, and Africa. But why are we forgetting Canada?

It has to be Sarah Palin. The problem with most of Canada is that it's damn frigid in the Winter. So it's no wonder that the comparatively temperate Vancouver emerged as the city where many disillusioned ex-pats wanted to migrate to. But now we're not so naive. Look at a map. What separates Palin's Alaska from the US mainland? British Columbia. Where's Vancouver? British Columbia. Combine Hawkish McCain with Miss Alaska and you better believe British Columbia will become American Columbia by the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics. That's why I'm thinking more along the lines of England. Costa Rica's pretty nice too. There are tons of Americans there. Parts of Mexico too.

Am I serious about leaving this country? I don't know. Probably not. Then again if I honestly believe Obama lost because there are tons of racist Americans, I may have to lead a mass exodus. My main drawback would be my family. Their main drawback would be their friends. I somehow doubt I can convince all my parents' friends to move to another country, but perhaps it's worth a shot. Please understand, that I really love a lot about America. I love the national parks and delicious pizza and American football and on and on. But the possibility of 16 years of Palin... It's beyond a bad Disney movie as Matt Damon suggested. If the first 8 years of Bush was the equivalent of the worst movie ever made and the sequel to the worst movie ever made, then The McCain/Sarah Palin Story is Rocky V. Do you really want to live in Rocky V?

Here's the thing. Let's consider pain for a moment. If you have a really awful sore throat, you probably have a keen appreciation for agony, disease, everything bad. Just as if you eat a raw piece of chicken and get salmonella, you have an appreciation for your digestive system. You may say to yourself "I'll never eat raw chicken again. I don't care how delicious it is, I can't put myself in this position." But then once the Salmonella gets better, you're right back to eating raw chicken. See I can understand if the country elects a Democrat and then in 4 years forgets the pain of a Republican and votes a Republican back into office. But we haven't even had a chance to forget the pain and Republicans are already on the brink of 4 more years. Back to our chicken analogy, it's like if right in the middle of the lowest point of your vomiting and abdominal cramps, you decide to eat more raw chicken. It's like picking yourself up from hours of misery and taking a shot of vodka, e.coli and salmonella to ease your suffering. Not sure who's the vodka but McCain's the salmonella (the old disease) and e.coli is Palin (the new bacteria in this cocktail that Americans are VOLUNTARILY drinking)...

I'm beside myself. Have you ever heard a common English person try to do an American accent? Usually they sound like rednecks. Well if this country votes McCain/Palin, I think I'll have to adopt that accent so I can remind myself at all times that I live in the world's stupidest land.