Topical Tuesdays: ALEX NOW HAS 9.98 FINGERS

Not sure if this is "topical" exactly but I've been applying topical ointment because of this story so I think it qualifies.

Last night I decided to make mashed potatoes. I wanted to make them really delicious so I looked up a recipe as I waited in line at the store. According to this recipe, Yukon Gold potatoes are the best ones to use because of their medium starch and water level. So I got out of line, returned my Tim Russerts (RIP) and got some Yukons. Then I realized I also needed some cream. So I got back out of line again and got cream and milk. This was all in the storied Rock N Roll Ralph's mind you. What a disastrous place. It's as if they took a bus to the latest poor man's Hyde, loaded up the clientele and dumped them in the supermarket. I accidentally bumped into a woman and this dude who sounded eerily similar to Christian on Project Runway just shouted out "EXCUSE YOU!" I felt like I was in a cartoon.

After I finally left, I went home and prepared the potatoes for peeling. I realized I had no vegetable peeler, so I did the next best thing and got a cheese slicer. Not one of the graters with lots of holes but one of those spade looking things that you run on top a block of cheese to get perfectly thin cracker compatible slices. The first few potatoes went fine. Then the blade slipped off the potato and took a 2mm or so chunk out of my right middle finger. At first I though it was just a cut but once I cleaned up the initial pool of blood, I saw the full divot. The crater if you will.

It kept bleeding and bleeding. Sort of like the time I tried to cut my old Super Nintendo controller in half with a Swiss army knife, only to use the wrong side of the blade and end up with a knife in my ring finger. It was actually rather wild. Blood shot out of my finger like a super soaker. Some even hit the ceiling. The pain was bearable too! So bearable in fact that I wondered why Hollywood directors didn't cut cast members to make films more realistic. New meaning to the phrase "your scene got cut." A rather callow thought now that I think about it...

I still have the scar from the Nintendo controller. Without a doubt this'll leave a scar too. Hey maybe I can finally pretend that I got a few nicks in a knife fight. Fuck yes. Street cred here I come!